T_Devil's Chub Rub

Moving on.

2011-03-01T07:01:00.001-06:00

Time for a new beginning. This blog will self destruct in one week. If a week has passed and it has not self destructed...
Then it has no longer become relevant.

Hatred of Dell Laptops, and a focus on a career.

2010-07-29T13:47:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I have this dream where I wake up and I’m the only one in the world. Sounds fine to me except I have serious abandonment issues. That in and of itself is hilarious because I also have a lot of antisocial tendencies.

I’m a hot, psychological mess!

So, it’s pretty obvious that when I’m upset, nothing makes me feel better than a broken piece of laptop equipment. My AC adapter for my Dell Inspiron 1545 is shot and I’m now waiting on a new cord. After going round and round with their customer service, they decided to send me a new cord. They wanted to tell me it was the battery that was fucked up and not the cord. See, they would know better because they’re way the hell on the other side of the world and I’m right fucking here looking at the cord that’s supposed to have a blue light on and there is no blue light!

Why are some people so painfully stupid? Whatever happened to the customer always being right?

This wasn’t the first time My wife and I have had to deal with Dell Stupidity. And yes, DELL Stupidity is it’s own kind of stupidity. Dell Stupidity takes up at least six hours on your cell phone and wastes precious time. Anyone can do it, but DELL Customer Support perfected it.
So here I sit and await my new cord. I type this on my Wife’s Dell Desktop which rarely has a problem. It’s funny their desktops are good but their laptops are complete plops of shit. I do not recommend Dell Laptops, they’re total pieces of crap.

Putting that aside, the job search continues.
I’m still applying anywhere and everywhere. I decided to make my career focus in loss prevention because no matter how bad the economy is, there are always going to be people who steal. That’s job security right there! The whole writing thing continues to be only a hobby and I can’t depend on it to pay my bills, fund trips to Vegas or San Diego or build up enough capitol to move out to California. It’s sad that I can’t do what I want to do, but at least I can train in a career where I get to take my dissatisfaction out on others.
Just kidding!
Or am I?

It's been a long, long time.

2010-07-24T23:36:00.002-05:00

I haven't posted a blog in a long time. Kind of on hiatus. I'm in the process of writing a novel. I'll explain a little bit more about that later. Right now, I’m just impressed that people still read this stuff.

And I do miss it. Especially after going to this years bash. See, my wife and I drove out there this year and we got to see a lot of the country. I don’t know what it is, but watching the landscape change from plains to mountains to desert makes you realize how big this country that is the United States really is.

Being in Vegas at the bash is always a great experience. This year meant a lot to me because I joined up with The Goatee Mafia. They’re more than just a bunch of guys who wear hats, they get it. They get that being into the BBW scene is a little bit more than an “I <3 fat chicks” t shirt and an admiration for large females. They know that there is a higher level of respect given to them because as women, they deserve it. I like that. I like that I have a lot more to learn and I like knowing that I can learn it from this crew.

I don’t ever claim to know everything. I believe life is one lesson after another. We don’t always like the lesson, but we learn it none-the-less. So, it should come as no surprise as to what came next for both my wife and myself.
We took a different route home. One that took us through Wyoming. It was there where I first began to realize that the journey back to Wisconsin didn’t feel like going home. It felt like we we’re getting further and further from it. Driving through the Midwest really kind of opened my mind in a way that air travel never really could. I think this may have changed a lot of how I see the world and my place in it.

When we’re born, we don’t get to choose where we’re born. It just sort of happens. Then we go through life and experience people and things and for some of us, this experience shows us that the world is bigger than we are and is full of wonder that just experiencing it blows your mind harder than some of our favorite drugs.

Once we finally got home, we were forced to deal with the “What Next” syndrome. Ever go on a trip out of town and then come back a few days later and you don’t feel like you’re quite at home yet? It takes a day or two for it to catch up to you.

I haven’t gotten that feeling yet. That feeling of home. I got this feeling of “Guess where you are?” followed by an evil laugh. It’s not a dig at Wisconsin or the Midwest. Many people love it here and they ought to because it’s a nice place to live (if only a little boring).

I didn’t choose to be born here though. And when it’s all said and done, I don’t think I belong here anymore. I’m welcome here, always, but something has been awoken in me that yearns to be free of this place.

I know, I should move. There is but one problem there, the cost in moving across the country. That total bill can go into the tens of thousands of dollars really fuckin’ quick! Right now, we don’t have enough to even think about it either. It’s something to set a goal for, but nothing that’ll be doing anything anytime soon.

All I can hope for is something miraculous like my novel getting picked up and making money or something like that. I said I would talk about this and I will. I don’t want to say too much about it because there are internet thieves that steal ideas and I’ve worked too hard on this for it to get snapped up. Let’s just say that I wanted to write a story about an invincible person with some rage issues. In my mind, a fat girl has every reason in the world to be pissed off.

This fat girl though, she’s got a few surprises that a whole lot of people are going to either fear, or respect. That’s all I got for now.

Why I'm angry with God, and why God is ok with it.

2009-07-16T19:17:00.002-05:00

It's no secret that I'm into Deism. My relationship with God has nothing to do with any orthodox religion. I can't bring myself to be an Atheist or an Agnostic simply because I like to think that there is one source for everything. Everything. Every thing. I like to believe that there were circumstances that formed the Big Bang and that our Universe came into being. Nobody really knows why it happened or even how it happened.

Well, Something had to cause it, right? It's the scientific notion of Newton's first law "A body at rest remains at rest, A Body in motion stays in motion until it is acted upon by another force to stop it."

Let's face it, you take something that is as small as an atom and in less than a second is the size of a Galaxy, There's nothing that's going to stop that momentum. But there it is though, what caused it?
*crickets chirping*
Nobody has a definitive answer. Some people seek to answer this question and I really admire those people because they are some of the most brilliant minds the world has ever seen. They seek definitive answers of substance for that which we cannot explain.

Unless you're overly religious.

Then it's God everything. God made this, God did that, God deserves praise, God demands sacrifice, God has a plan, blah blah blah. I won't even go into the aspects of different religions as they are all the same bubbling cauldron of hot water. They are all fundamentally the same: A belief in a higher life form that is all seeing, all knowing and all creating. What's different is the role that we, "the humans", play. Which to me, is all clearly bullshit because there is no easier way to manipulate someone than through their belief in their creator. And, there are people who have that power, and some of them abuse that power on a regular basis Exposing the first fundamental human flaw;
We are not perfect.

If we are not perfect, why are we entrusted with the word of this omnipotent being that we even admit to not understanding (God works in mysterious ways)? Why do we take it upon ourselves to make such claims of what God wants? Perhaps we assume too much? Have we taken into account that there are a number of mental illnesses that create a delusional sense of omnipotence? I'm not calling Jesus Christ a Schizophrenic by any means, but how do we treat people who claim to be the offspring of God in this day and age? Usually with straight jackets and medications. How would we treat Jesus Christ these days? .... Ok, pretty much the same way.
BUT STILL!
We have medications that effect the mind. Would he still make such claims if he was forced into taking his medications?

Take your meds or be institutionalized and have them injected into your veins, either way, you're GOING to be medicated.

He preformed miracles though!
Hey! So does David Blaine and Criss Angel. They don't heal the sick, but they can do other shit that would amaze primitive people into believing they were messiahs. I don't mean to pick on Jesus Christ here, but even he has to understand that here in the 21st century, we're going to question the whole "My father is the almighty" shtick. We live in a world where we know our world is not flat, that we are not the center of the universe, and we even know just how big the universe is. That's some knowledge that would blow a mental processor or two in a primitive human mind.

We learn things in a particular order. If we learn things we do not understand too quickly, we take that knowledge and form it into weapons in which to kill each other with. Which unveils the second human flaw:
Humans are self destructive.

Though individually we are not, for the most part, but, you get us into a hysterical panic and we'll kill just about anything else. Case in point, 9/11. I hate using that as a reference because it seems I'm making it a political platform. It isn't, it's an observation. After the attack, how many Americans wanted retribution? Yes, we wanted those responsible, but how many of us stopped to ponder what would drive someone to do such a thing? Not enough. How many middle east decedents got their asses kicked for no other reason than their heritage? Too many.

We were willing to trade away some of our most valued rights as Americans for safety. We changed who we were, which is what the terrorists wanted. They wanted to instill fear and by god, they got it. Which put us into a blood lust that ultimately led to us going into a war where we didn't fully understand our enemies or even had anything to do with the attack on us. Yet many of us justified it anyways. Why? The answer to that is irrelevant because so many lies were fed to us. Were fed to our "leader" Who, let's face it, was too ignorant and too wrapped up in his own bullshit to question the motives of the people around him.

But he was a man of faith, and his faith was used by his own advisers to further their own agendas.

I believe in God because I need something to be mad at. God created us. Why did he do such a lousy job? Even down to myself personally. I didn't ask to be Clinically Depressed, I didn't want Attention Deficit Disorder and try as I may, Dyslexia is a real bitch to work with. I have prayed to God to cure me of these things, but "God has a plan" and that plan involves me being a sad, inattentive and confused person. Or, I could have chosen to not let those things affect me. It makes things convenient for everybody else, but I still struggle.

For all my prayers as a child, I never even got an image of the Virgin Mary burnt onto a piece of toast as an answer, for anything. It is only through believing in myself and the validation of those who believe in me that I can achieve all that I achieve, which isn't nearly as much as I like to think it is.

I have asked God why he allows nations to slaughter each other in his name. Almost always, I imagine him saying "Because they choose to". Right, they choose to. Based on what their respective religions tell them. Why not break up the bullshit, come down here, and set these motherfuckers straight.

I have figured why he hasn't.

He doesn't, because if he is the creator of all life, and if we are a design of his grand plan, then he would have given us something. A great and wonderful gift. The ability to think independently. To think and to reason. To ponder questions, and the ability to choose to find the answers to those questions. He did not tie us to him because it would stunt our growth as a potentially great life form. We have figured out how to get off this planet. We've only gotten as far as the moon, but there is such great potential there! Our first steps into a world of even more wonder and understanding. But as is his fear, we are still dependent upon him. We cling to these words from the past, passed down from human to human, subject to our flaws and misinterpretations. People who believe so strongly, that they are willing to destroy each other over it.

We have the tools.
We have the talent.
We just don't have the instinct.

I see God as a father figure..... an absentee father figure. A father who is too busy or too preoccupied to notice his children. Real "Cat's in the Cradle" kind of stuff. He smiles upon our achievements from afar, but knows he can no longer interfere with our development. Maybe a random act of kindness here and there, but for the most part, he knows that we have to learn for ourselves, and achieve our own success. If he is always there, holding our hand, we never learn and we'll never grow into our potential, and into our ultimate destiny; citizens of multiple worlds.

So, I'm angry at God because of what we are. But I also believe that it's ok to be angry with God because out of our anger, we learn to do things for ourselves. We have to learn for ourselves the hows and whys of our world and our existence much the same way I had to re-learn how to read. We have to take what we know and expand from it. We have to do this for ourselves. The more we learn, the less dependent we are to God.

I don't seek to kill God. He gave us our start, to which I am grateful. But, I do not believe, (I cannot believe) that he only allowed for us to go so far only to be extinguished because of his bad temper. That doesn't even make any logical sense! That's like drowning your babies in the tub! I'm pretty sure God has more sense than that. The whole notion of "Judgment Day" and "Revelation" and "Armageddon" are all concepts to which we impose our own sense of fear.

The truth is that if the end of the world came, and the planet was still here, and there were survivors of whatever great catastrophe befell us, we would continue to live. We would forge a new world. A new civilization built from out of the ashes of the old.

So, I don't have to tell you that I think the whole idea of "The Rapture" is just about the biggest bunch of shit I've ever had the displeasure of even knowing.
I don't have to, but I'm going to.
To think one group of people are preferred over the other because of their belief in something they can't even prove is real is ridiculous. That's like a parent choosing one child and giving him the good life, while he throws the other child out into a snow drift during a winter storm.

It's stupid.

I'm sorry if you, the reader, believe in that garbage. I'm sorry that you cannot see the world and our existence on it in a much grander scale. And, I'm REALLY very sorry that there are people who believe that stupid shit who are ELECTED to our government to create laws and watch out for the good of the people. Yeah, their people.

I believe it is our human destiny to shed all of this superstitious hocus pocus, and these whimsical notions of a very selective God and his own special people and we rely on our own knowledge and have more faith in ourselves. I'm not saying we never need faith, I'm saying that there is going to come a point in our evolutionary development as humans where we are going to have to cut the cord. There will come a day where God will no longer see us as his children, but will see us as his peers. Not as what he is, but as what he knew we could become. It isn't important now if we believe in God or not. We have to believe in ourselves. God will forgive, he hasn't the time to begrudge us. Galaxies live and die by his watch.

God, has more important things to do. We had our time together and now that time has passed. He is doing his thing, we are doing ours. Before I wrap this up, I just want to say something to the Atheists out there:
In your exuberance to disprove any and all religions and religious things, and to disprove the presence of God at all, Never forget that you can't prove that there is NO God. They said the Titanic would never sink, but knowing then what you know know, would you still buy a ticket to get on?

Class Reunion?

2009-07-10T20:22:00.003-05:00

Everybody stresses about their class reunion. It's an exciting kind of stress. People who haven't seen each other in however many years all getting together and talking about old times. What's so exciting? What's to be stressed about? It's all your old classmates, only years later and reality has set in.

I was looking around Facebook and found a thing for the class of '94 having a reunion somewhere. I didn't say MY class of '94 because I never graduated. I'll speak more on that in a minute. What I found interesting was some of the people involved not with the planning, but rather just being a part of it. Some people are friends on Facebook that back in high school, barely knew about the other. Leaves me wondering that if they did know each other back then, would they still be friends today?

I don't think I would ever go to a class reunion simply because I just never really fit in there. I wasn't one of them. It's like, they all know each other and have kids and have these lives that are tiny framed portraits of the American dream.

Me? I'm slingin' tokens to greasy palmed customers at the local sex-shop. Oddly enough though, it doesn't bother me. I have no kids and no real desire to have any. My wife does and perhaps someday I'll make a decent enough father. Yeah, I actually met a woman who isn't creeped out by me and actually took the time to know better than a "friend". Yes, she is the center of my universe. No, I don't beat her or treat her like shit. Surprised? My wife and I enjoy traveling, partying in Vegas and basically doing whatever we want to do, whenever we want to do. Adulthood has never been so much fun!

It's important to note my wife did not go to the same hichschool as I did. Chances are if she did, we never would have hooked up because I was just so odd.

It's one of the reasons I dropped out. I'm not proud of it, I don't think any drop out really is. I'll tell you what though, getting an equivalency diploma still smells a lot like failure. Again though, I have no reason to curse it as I worked hard for it. I never really made more out of it though. Which is too bad because now that I'm older, I love to learn, when it's on MY terms.

Youth is wasted on the young.

I guess the thought of encountering my classmates intimidates me in some weird way. Not so much an intimidation, but rather a general sense of dread that can only be described as being a teenager all over again. The thought of THAT is something I absolutely loath. I dunno, if I were ever asked to go to a class reunion, the answer would be "We'll see" on the outside and an emphatic "NO" on the inside. I just have no desire to see what other people have made out of their lives and how they turned out. Also, I could give less than a shit how they wonder about me and how my life turned out, that's an assumption that they even wonder about me at all.

Smart money says they don't. Maybe a fleeting notion once in a while. A thought that disappears just as quickly as it came. A passing fancy that is forgotten by the sound of their kids wailing, or waking from a daydream at a board meeting at work. About as much thought I put into them, which is what this blog entry is about. Would they even look me in eye with a straight face if they knew about me and my life?

Oh hey, my pumpkins in Farm Town are ready to harvest....

I love sex scandals.

2009-06-24T20:06:00.004-05:00

What a great week! TWO big sex scandals, like a nice pair of tits are all up in our face. Nice! We got Nevada Senator John Ensign who was fucking the wife of some dude working for him on his campaign, and basically bribed that family to keep their mouths shut about it.

And now we got South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford Who disappears for six fucking days, (Literally.... Fucking!) to god knows where. Oh wait, he went to Argentina to get some Latin poon-tang. What a scumbag, he disappears over Fathers Day.

Hey Mom, Where's Dad? It's Fathers Day.

Can we make this any more awkward please? Ok, how about the lie that he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail all the while he was getting some South American tail? That was his excuse, for disappearing. Dude, are you stupid or something? You didn't think you were going to get caught?

Wait wait, This is what his wife said...

I believe wholeheartedly in the sanctity, dignity and importance of the institution of marriage. I believe that has been consistently reflected in my actions. When I found out about my husband's infidelity I worked immediately to first seek reconciliation through forgiveness, and then to work diligently to repair our marriage.

We reached a point where I felt it was important to look my sons in the eyes and maintain my dignity, self-respect, and my basic sense of right and wrong. I therefore asked my husband to leave two weeks ago. -talkingpointsmemo.com

Wow, that's awkward. But wait, There's MORE!

More?

Yes, EMAILS! I love gratuitous emails!

You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night’s light - but hey, that would be going into sexual details ...-thestate.com

*GASPING SWOON!*

What do you say to that?

People are being butchered over in Iran for merely expressing how they feel, and over here we got politicians that can't keep their dicks out of people. You know what? Can't we just ship these politicians over there and get some of these Iranian dissidents instead? They seem to be a better quality of people in that they are dying for what they believe in. Our politicians think so little of us that they use their jobs as an excuse to cheat on their wives.

I do make fun of our politicians, but in all sincerity, I would trade them for some people who knew what was really important. What's going on over in Iran is so important to their future, and ours as a nation and how we perceive each other. I respect the people of Iran. I feel we both have something in common, we both hate our own respective governments and how they conduct themselves. They are stuck in a situation that is beyond horrible. I can only wish they had the same problems as we have, we could have a good laugh about it on The Daily Show/w Jon Stewart. They wouldn't have to be attacked with truncheons and axes. Lord knows, our two nations could actually GET ALONG!

As it is though, My heart goes out to the people of Iran and I can only hope that something, some miracle from God above that can come in and save them. Too many people there have died and it's shameful. Our government... Well, they're just shameful and that's it.

Facebook is fucking with me.

2009-06-12T22:19:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I had to create a new profile on Facebook. Why? Worlds were colliding. Google George Costanza and "Worlds Colliding" to know what I mean. In this instance, it's my in-laws and friends. It's just weird, ok? I don't know why. The thought of My wife's dad, brother or sister or cousins, aunts and/or uncles just freaks me out. It's not that I'm a closet case, It's not because I'm a flaming liberal, and not because I reject organized religion. So what is it then?

It's nothing. I just like to keep these things separate. Ok, one fear I have is them getting into what I'm doing (whatever it may be) and giving me constant grief about it. They may say they're joking, but sometimes it's hard to tell where the jokes end. I'm totally open with my wife and my side of the family. I'm open with my friends and if you don't know me and just read my blog for shits and giggles, I'm open with you because there is a comfort zone in opening up to complete strangers on the internet.

Please, do not kidnap me and/or kill me.

Undoubtedly, my wife is going to read this blog (which she does from time to time) and she's going to wonder why I feel this way. I wish I had something better to tell her than "I don't know". If it is any consolation to her though, her family isn't the only people I feel this way about.

On Facebook, EVERYBODY seems to be on it and they can find you by name. Since you pretty much have to use your own name, anyone can find you. Ok, so here's when the icy, cold fingers of fear grip my spine. I've seem people on there from my childhood that I don't like. That I can't fucking stand. People who (back in the day) were responsible for building what I consider today, to be my furnace of hate.

I know, I can ignore them. It shouldn't matter to me what they think. Perhaps they've matured. Perhaps they wouldn't recognize me at all. That doesn't make me feel any better though. I got this underlying sense of self-loathing that makes it impossible to be comfortable with certain people. That is something I learned expressly from Facebook.

I don't give a fuck if they stay away from me. That they can see my life from a distance. i just don't want their opinions all up in my world. There is nothing in my life I am ashamed of. I'm happy with the life that I have and I would have it no other way. But, Some people just freak me out. There doesn't have to be a reason for me to be freaked out about it either. If there had to be a reason, I wouldn't be freaked out, now would I?

I don't think so.

I consider myself to be a pretty rational person from time to time, but this is one of those things where I've tried to understand this "fear" and have failed. Is it some deeply seeded thing that goes back to childhood trauma? Not so much because I've also seen childhood friends I haven't seen in almost twenty years that fills me with the same anxiety. Like somewhere between childhood and adulthood, there was a split in my personality and all things from childhood cannot transition to my life as an adult.

If childhood fear walks through that door, it will kill adulthood happiness.

So weather it is my irrational fear of my in-laws invading my life online, or reconnecting with people from my past and having flashbacks to my childhood, one thing is for certain, Facebook is evil. Like a crack addict though, I can't get away from it. Certainly I'm not the only one who feels this way, am I?

Kirstie Alley bothers me.

2009-05-22T19:07:00.004-05:00

Before I get into this, I want to thank Vanessa Reece for helping me out. Sometimes I need an honest voice to tell me what's what. I appreciate it.

Because you deserve it.

You really ARE awesome!

Ok, so let's do this.
As you all know by now, Kirstie Alley has gained 85 pounds and is ready to go on ANOTHER diet. Since Jenny Craig has seemed to fail her, what else has she got? A personal trainer? How about she just changes what she eats and sticks with it?

People think I'm harsh because of my attitude towards her. My attitude is that she is a pestilence to the world of Size Acceptance. Because she hates her fat self so much, that negative energy can only turn into hate towards her, which she wears like the Emperor's new clothes. She hates herself and she hates fat people. How do I know? Isn't it obvious?

She thinks she's so gross and disgusting, yet goes on Oprah and talks about her hideousness. It seems to me she's only ever on that show to flaunt her weight loss or cry about her weight gain. I think it's a ploy on her behalf to get attention. We all know she can't act, so all she has is this "Circus sideshow" of an act that is her fluctuating weight.

I know how hard it is to lose weight and keep it off. It's hard, it's DAMN hard. But this bitch just up and quit. She quit the Jenny Craig program and she got lazy. What in the hell did she think was going to happen? Of course she was going to gain weight and more. anyone who has had problems with yo-yo dieting will tell you that. they can also tell you that yo-yo dieting is very bad for you.

I don't doubt she has mental issues about weight. I recognize that, but I also know that it isn't the weight that is her problem. SHE is the problem. I mean, isn't it obvious? Just because you kill one rat doesn't mean there aren't a hundred inside the walls! She has to attack the psychological aspect of why she gains weight.

It's not a physiological problem obviously. It's not a slow metabolism or a thyroid condition. Is it? Has she ever been tested for that? Has she even considered that? If she has, then it's her. She eats all this crap and what does she expect? She seems very ignorant of that.

Again though, that's not my issue with her. I don't really care how much weight she looses or who she thinks she let down. Fuck 'em, they need to look to themselves for inspiration. No, it how hard she is on HERSELF about it. I know how that is, I'm my own worst critic, but she beats herself PUBLICLY over her gain. Does she even realize that there are people TWICE her size that have struggled to get to THAT weight and it has taken them all that long to develop some pride in themselves? She comes along and calls herself a disgusting pig..... what are people larger than herself supposed to think? I say her opinion doesn't matter, but some people.... that kind of shit just sticks with them.

She, like Oprah herself, doesn't understand that their behavior has an impact on other people. See, these people could enact a profound change just by living their lives and accepting their natural size, whatever it may be. No, they gotta get all negative about it, like they sinned or something. No they didn't, they're human beings like the rest of us. They fucked up, big deal. Can they accept that they made a mistake and move on? No, they gotta make things right by apologizing to people who don't really give a shit about something that makes them human.

Like they are better than us.

My problem with Kirstie Alley and Oprah is that because they have a horrible self image of themselves, it spreads to other people. Women see these ladies bitching and they begin to think there is something wrong with themselves, next thing you know, they are on and off diet plans and developing eating disorders. What is so fucking difficult about saying "You know what? THIS is my size and I'm happy with it."?

Does anyone realize that by accepting that, we as a population would be more healthy?

Think about it, if we accepted our own weight based on a regular diet and regular exercise like walking, we would be more inclined to set realistic goals for ourselves AND meet those goals? I say this because once "that magic number", that "ideal weight" is taken out of the equation, we stress less about it. And it's known that stress can cause weight gain. So eliminate it. There is no such thing as ideal weight. Work to where YOUR body is comfortable, and go from there. super fit bodies take a lot of maintenance and commitment. Some of us have actual lives and can't put in that much commitment. Fine, do what you can.

This whole thing about weight in this country and around the world is driven by money. It's a billion dollar industry and is fueled by people with low self esteem. It's shocking, but there are people that are banking on you hating yourself. It doesn't have to be like that though. This notion that we have to do all of this shit with someones logo on the machine or eat all this crap that has some company's name on it is absurd. It's not excuse to sit around and eat a bag of M&M's, but you get the idea.

Buy this book, this lady KNOWS what she's talking about.

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Gina Kolata

colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Gay Marriage

Is this all just wasted time?

2009-05-21T16:49:00.002-05:00

I don't know if I should continue this blog.
If you read this blog, even a little bit. Please let me know if it's a good idea to shut it down or to keep it going. Don't tell me I need to decide for myself because I am completely split on the decision. 50/50. Even Steven.

I need something to tip it in one direction or another.
Is this all just wasted time?

We have the right to be controlled.

2009-05-02T14:31:00.002-05:00

Watch this. Watch the whole thing. It's George Carlin and it's entertaining.

Japanese Americans 1942.

Ok, I'm big into defending our rights both as an American and even as a human being. It is amazing how much I continue to learn from this man even after his death. This whole piece is steeped in logic, and it has given me vision. It's one of those things where it's like you are seeing things again for the first time.

Our rights are a construct. It is a form of control. It's one of the tools that people with power use on people without power. It's an illusion. It's how we are kept in line. They are a concept that we are given to believe is inalienable, but are taken away at a moments notice. For whatever reason is deemed necessary. What is a necessary reason? Does it really matter? All the people in control have to do is make one up. It doesn't matter if WE believe it's a good reason or not.

We invent all sorts of things to try and control minds. Swearing on the bible, as Carlin pointed out. Who gives a shit? Like a book is going to magically make you tell the truth. A person who would lie in a court of law is the same prick that would lie to god, so the gesture is totally fucking meaningless. It is one form of control compounding itself into another form of control; Church and State.

Aren't those supposed to be separate?

I just believe in being fair. How does having a bible in your mix help get you to the truth? What if the person swearing in is an Atheist? Does it matter at all? No. The Bible is just a book of stories that a religious party wants us to believe is historical evidence. Yeah, and that mentality is in our courtrooms. Good luck getting a fair trial if you just happen to be a Muslim, a Jew, an Atheist, an Agnostic or anything else that doesn't bow to a cross in guilt.

George Carlin, Didn't just think in terms of what was funny. He thought in terms of what was real. What the truth was.... from his point of view. He was no better than us, he was no worse than us. He WAS us. In many ways, he still is. His work is a testament to and for people that have a mind for individual thought and he will always perpetuate dissent. It is because he thought in such a profound manner that he will always be an educator. At the very least, he will always have the ability to open peoples eyes to the truth, and that truth is that we are not in control.

God, Government, superstitious beliefs and customs. Their application to our lives. Their indoctrination into our "Faith". Believing in things that are not real. Lies. Deception. It's all a form of control and with each passing generation, that form of control becomes more convoluted, because it loses it's power with each generation. The people in power have to continue to find more ways of instilling fear into us so that we continue to believe in these outdated concepts of God and Country.

The truth: We are all we got. We are all we are going to get. It is up to us, what we do with ourselves.

Feeling ill? Stay home. Seriously.

2009-04-25T14:47:00.002-05:00

This shit isn't worth dying over.
Who would have thought that the disease that would destroy Humanity would be called Swine Flu? Pigs, another animal for me to fear.... freaky little bastards.

It's not about the pigs for me though. The illness has GENETIC material of both Birds and Pigs. When you get sick from this, you don't just get sick, you get ANIMAL sick! Freaky shit, what's worse is that the WHO (World Health Organization, not the band) believes it has the "potential" to become a pandemic. Ok, this is a little scary because pandemics are serious shit. They can kill entire populations. the last great pandemic was the Spanish Flu of 1918. It killed 20 million people world wide. The global population of the world in 1918 was 1.8 billion. That's about 2% of the population at the time. Today we have 6 billion people in the world. Imagine 120 million people dying within the course of 2 years.

A little concerned here because this is serious shit. So serious, I fucking did MATH! I am dyslexic in math, so coming to this took a lot of work.

I always felt that disease was the way humans would die. I began to think that way when I was a kid and the AIDS was the scare. We can treat AIDS now, but there is still no cure. This Swine Flu though, this is one bad bitch. Any kind of Influenza is bad, but the shit you can DIE from is the worst.

My advice is for sick people to stay home and take showers, lots of them. Eat decent food, not junk food crap. Drink clear liquids, juice high in vitamin C, and rest for the sake of Christ. Jesus, we treat ourselves like such shit. When we're sick, we think we can just walk it off and we'll be fine. Go to work, go out and run errands, spread the illness around, make other people sick. Thanks, asshole.

Do we ever stop to think what makes US sick makes OTHER PEOPLE sick? Jobs and such better get used to the idea of more sick leave because if this Swine Flu cannot be contained and all hell breaks loose, sick employees are going to be the least of their problems. DEAD Employees are going to be the problem, Swine Flu. People afraid of losing their jobs, come to work sick, infect others. People die. For what?

We do not respect illness and what causes it, and this is why it gets spread around. We do not quarantine ourselves and take proper care of ourselves because we have this thing about putting obligations first. Fuck obligation. You can't fulfill your obligations if you are dead.

We can survive this if we work together. Stay fucking home when you're ill. Not all sickness is Swine Flu, but all sickness sucks, so don't spread it around. I've been ill a lot this year, and I respect the power illness has in making you a prisoner inside your own body. Respect illness by respecting others.

Stay home and rest.

Whatever happened to "Freedom Fries"?

2009-03-27T10:25:00.004-06:00

So I was at MSNBC.COM (because I like my news like that), and I learned they changed the name of the building that is at ground zero in New York City from "The Freedom Tower" to "1 World Trade Center".

What was really surprising to me was all of the outpouring of people that thought it was a bad idea. After voting on it I read some of the replies of the voters. I would have written something, but that's just more registering for bullshit I don't and won't use. anyways, People were talking about the name being symbolic and all that shit. What? Are they fucking kidding?

First of all, The whole term "FREEDOM" is arbitrary. The previous Presidential Administration saw to that. Nobody knows what freedom means. It looks like one thing, but is maintained by forces contradictory to it. Freedom is just another word for fucked up reason to justify hate. Seriously.

Remember When the whole rage was calling FRENCH Fries "Freedom" fries because the French wouldn't support us going to war? Huh? Yeah, who's still calling the "freedom" fries? Gimme a fucking break! We're supposed to be this civilized nation, and people want to call the global center of trade "The Freedom Tower"? It has Bush-Stink all over it. At least referring it to the World Trade Center provides some kind of closure.

To me, this is an issue. Anything attached to September 11th is a sensitive issue. It is the reason why I am the way I am. See, before all that happened, I was well on my way to becoming a conservative who didn't really give a shit about anything. Government, Politics, Economy, Foreign Policy... all just bullshit in the news that is better ignored because it was easier to shut it out.

9/11 happened and I woke up.

At first I was swept up in the whole "GET 'EM!" rage. I supported the war because I was bullshitted into believing that Saddam Hussein was indeed a threat and if there was evidence of him acting in collusion with Al Queda and other terrorist organizations who had WMDs,we would find them and justice would be served. We invaded Iraq and it was on!

Days turned into weeks and nothing was found. I was disappointed. Here I was led to believe that this greasy dictator was in collusion with Osama Bin Laden and here it turns out they didn't even really like each other. The only thing they had in common was they both hated us. The enemy of my enemy, so I thought and justified the failure.

Then Mike died.

My brother in law who was a Sargent in the US Army. I liked him. He was honest and he was a good person who loved his wife very much. My Sister in law. I learned he was being shipped there and I was proud of him. I always thought we would get to talk more when he got back.

He never did. He was killed by an Improvised Explosive Device.

After that, it was like everything began to unravel. It was like I was in OZ and I was seeing the man behind the curtain. I could no longer ignore what was happening in our world. I mean, why did they hate us so much? Why would they kill someone that had so much promise in life?

It wasn't Mike they killed, it was an American Soldier. In war, Soldiers die. I can't hate the other side because they are soldiers as well. I hate the reason why they were driven to kill American soldiers. It was not unprovoked.

I began to learn about all kinds of sneaky shit our government was responsible for. Some of it is so much conspiracy theory, half of which I don't believe. The half I do believe though has rock solid logic and reason behind it. The war itself was just a scheme to make money for a handful of contractors who specialized in security and rebuilding Iraq.

All the while, Bush was so lazy about looking for bin laden.

It's like he just didn't care anymore. The man who murdered close to 3000 American people and provoked us blindly into a war that killed my brother in law, and he's talking about it like he's sick of it? FUCK THAT GUY!

And it's been like that ever since.

Now our new president is focusing on getting Bin Laden and that's all fine and good, but he's going to have to forgive my cynicism and generally jaded point of view. I hope he does find him and I hope they find him alive and well so that he may stand trial for his crime, 2,974 counts of premeditated murder.

So the renaming of the "The Freedom Tower" to "The World Trade Center" May not seem like a good idea to the "Freedom Fries" crowd, It means a lot to me because it is one step in the right direction. I can't speak for the ground zero victims, I can only speak for myself. I wish I could make the word "Freedom" mean something beautiful. I wish I could make it mean something that liberates us from tyranny and oppression. I wish it stood for something more. All it is now is a gimmick.

Please pass the French Fries.

Confessions of an Internet Basket Case.

2009-03-23T13:55:00.004-06:00

Being doubtful of yourself is one of those things that just seems to permeate everything in your life. It forces you to call into question everything you do, say and believe. why does it have to be like that?

For a while now I've been posting at this message board called Dimensions for a while and in the course of posting there I've become known somewhat of a hypocrite and a bit of an asshole, which is fine because I often have conflicting points of view and I tend to be a bit of an asshole from time to time.

Lately though I just have been having this social disconnect in my life. I feel like that I'm this angry, terrible person. It may be because I've been ill, maybe not, Whatever. Point is is that I'm feeling it. I know who my friends are and I know how they feel about me. It's the people who don't know me though that bother me.

See, they THINK they know me, but they have no idea and they think they are qualified to have an opinion of me outside of what they really know. Some of these bitches have never even said word one to me and they think they can break me down and psychoanalyze me and offer up a good solid idea of just who they think I am without ever talking to me.

We've all been through this with people, that's why what I'm about to say should not be any surprise. I really do hope that they either learn what they are talking about, or that they can go eat a bag of infected dicks.

But I can't just localize my feelings to just that. I wish my mind had that shut off valve. it doesn't. It spills over into the world in general. Just how many people out there that are like that? Right even if they are wrong? They know everything, so they believe. If there is a god, these people are proof that he hates us all.

that's why when I see horrible things in the news like a kid shooting up his school or an ex-employee blowing away old colleagues, I wonder just how many of them had it coming. Things like that are never random... not completely.

There's always a list. A list of people we just can't fucking stand and would take great pleasure in seeing them suffer. If you do not have that list, you're probobly on one. Sorry, that's just how life is. We want to think everybody loves us all the time, all the days of our lives. Truth is, there is always going to be that one sone of a bitch that hates you so much that they will piss in your mellow-yellow if given half a chance.

People like me, we've tried to be good little citizens but we have these feelings that are so far from "normal". I don't know why it has to be that way, but it is. We don't think and feel the way others do, we feel things we can't express without sounding crazy. Some draw pictures, some write about it, some write a piece of music. Some hold it all in and let it all explode in a rage of bloody violence.

This is a symptom of the world we live in. To many people think they know everything, not enough of them know when to help, when to shut up, what to say and when to say it. It's a human condition. How can we know. There are so many people, we only get enough time in our lives to only ever figure out one person and that is ourselves. We're expected to be mindful of other people in the world?

In a world inhabited by billions of people, toes are going to get stepped on.

Sometimes I step on toes, sometimes my toes get stepped on. I have to learn not to give a shit when my toes get stepped on. Problem is, I do that then I become a little more careless about other peoples feet. I don't want to, but come on, it's hard to care about other people's pedicures when your own toes are broken, right?

There is no answer to the question of compassion in today's world. We care, we care too much. We let it go, we let too much go. We find a center only to find that center off balances something else. Life is not this simple beauty. It is a complex set of scales that requires balance. problem is one thing balances, it upsets another balance which requires attention, that gets balanced and another thing is offset, and so on down the line.

Peoples feelings are a part of that fragile balance. On one end, you have your own feelings, on the other, you got someone else's and in between you have a set of scales waiting to be upset. Even if you find a happy medium of compromise to your feelings and the feelings of others, you're only going to find that you are upsetting other scales like integrity, hypocrisy, honesty and other related things.

Humans over complicate things, which is the price we pay for having a higher brain function than the animals. We lord over our world with our great intelligence, we have sacrificed simple peace. I noticed this when I got a cat.

My cat doesn't give a shit what I think. My cat cares about being fed, and being loved. That's it. Survival and companionship. Yeah, he's curious as hell, but that's indicative of life and that is a need to explore our world. My cat doesn't need to see a shrink like I do. My cat doesn't write fucking blogs about what kind of a psychotic mess he is. He's a cat, he shits in a box and jumps up on places he knows he shouldn't go.

He's a cat though, and at the end of the day, he curls up next to me as I play my video games or watches TV. He loves me just the same because I give him food and because I love him. I guess people are like that too, except people are FAR more complex. It's easier to please an animal because they only want for so little and they'll love you for it.

People are so much more..... I don't even have a word for it. I do know that when I've posted at places like Dimensions for too long, I get this feeling of how horrible I think people are and I have to stop posting. Why do I go back? am I fucking stupid? Perhaps, but if it is one thing I have learned from Carlin (my cat), it is that I already have all that I need from the people that are most important.

To people who want to have these snap judgments of me without getting to know me, I have to remember that if I were to hear about them dying foolishly or some shit like that, I'd probably be laughing at them because I don't know them and I have a morbid sense of humor. So fuck 'em, they aint worth shit.

If they are right about one thing though, I should stop posting there. Not for their sake though, but for my own. It makes me a person I don't like being. Going back is stupid, yet I do it for the same reason why my cat curls up next to me, companionship. What makes ME an idiot though is I'm seeking companionship from people who don't like me, when I already have MANY people who DO like me.

I need to quit being such a social masochist. I need to make a simple decision and stick with it. I need to cut that fucking piece of fat out of my life forever and quit hurting myself by thinking I'll fit in this time. Stick to what ya know, kid, and you'll go places. Stick with the people that love you because they are the ONLY ones who truly know you.

CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR!!!!

2009-02-02T18:39:00.002-06:00

Tonight I was at work and I had to do my regular "walk". It's just me checking the back room, making sure that everybody is in a booth, one person per booth viewing videos with their doors closed. Everything was fine until I got to the last booth.

Fucking guy.

He's standing there jerking off with the door open.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
It's written all over the back that they're not allowed to do that, they all know the fucking rules. What the fuck is this guy's damage? Why the fuck can't he follow rules? Yeah, I threw his ass out! I hope he's embarrassed as hell.

Why do people think rules apply to "other people"? It's not just that incidence, but life in general. Why do people get this sense of self-entitlement that they CLEARLY do not deserve? Is it self-delusion? Is it because they think they can get away with the shit?

What about those of us that do follow the rules but we get our balls busted anyways? Is that the whole "life's not fair" thing? Why is that always such an acceptable answer but suicide is considered wrong? If life isn't fair, shouldn't suicide be considered be "just one of those things"? You know, one of those things that's unfair about life?

I don't understand why we are told these things and are expected to abide by them, but some people think it's ok to not abide. I know it's a symptom of the human condition. We choose to abide or choose to not abide. Maybe we would be better off as Ants.

How bad is the prison population amongst Ants?

That's my point, Ants don't have prisons. All they do is work until they die... very much like humans.... except ants don't get paid. They don't need or use money. They work for the good of the colony. Humans on the other hand, We always have this "what's in it for me" mentality?

what's in it for me? what a joke.

People ask that and they don't even consider the gravity of their actions. Guy want's to gratify himself in a public place with the door open. Did he once consider the fact that I, being there NOT of my free will but rather for the good of my employment, would be the last person to want to see that?

Fuck no. He didn't think he would get caught, but he did. Now I get to have THAT image in my head for the rest of my life. Fantastic*.

*Note the sarcasm.

The less I understand about human behavior, the more I have come to loathe it. Most people are ok on a one-on-one basis. Even small collectives are fine. But in large groups you get these dumb fucks that think they're "Agents of Chaos".

Hey asshole, you're not The Joker, so fuck off.

Idiots with an over inflated sense of entitlement where they think they are immune to the rules that we ALL live by. Fuck them, man! They're no better than anyone else, so they can get in line to get fucked, just like the rest of us. I'm so sick of this "You're Special" bullshit.

No, I am not a snow flake. I am not special. I am not some asshole who thinks it's ok to jerk-off in public. I am a worker ant that follows the rules and pays his taxes like all the other worker ants. And THAT'S fucked up because we pay into a system that very obviously does not give a shit about us. The colony is crumbling, but who give's a fuck?

Humans, Never understood them, never will, I could care less if I ever do.

The inauguration of the new president and why we most continue to be vigilant.

2009-01-20T11:51:00.001-06:00

It's like Christmas morning all over again. Today is the end of 8 of the most horrible years this nation has ever seen. That's like bitching about a self inflicted gunshot wound as Bush was ELECTED twice. Some question the validity of it, but if there were a greater margin of victory over Bush in the past..... who's to say?

That's all in the past now though and today we have a new president. One who is gonna fix the economy and put Americans back to work. He's going to fix the environment and everybody around the world will love America again. And the Unicorns will roam free and we will all have magic cookies to eat.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad Obama is president. I voted for him. But I've been looking around the internet and it seems like everybody is happy and all of this patriotism has come back and America is awesome again. Like all the bad shit we did was magically erased. Like people who have a legitimate beef with our nation just said "Oh, it's ok, OBAMA is president now!"

Folks, I'm glad we have a new president and I'm glad we can all be positive about him and I honestly do think that he will get things done. I have a couple of issues though. Not with him, but with us, the citizens of the United States of America.

Issue 1:
All of this great change isn't going to happen overnight. I know you all know this, but I'm wondering if you know how long it's going to take. Obama is supposed to un-fuck in 4 years what G.W. Bush fucked up in 8? It's going to be a long time before we see a significant change in our economy. It's going to get worse because all of the damage done is going to take money to fix and that money has to come from somewhere. I know Obama will spend our tax dollars wisely, but there is a lot of junk spending that Bush did that got us into trouble, and those people still need to be paid.

Brace for tough times ahead. The good news is though, there's a light at the end of the tunnel, it's just a long ways to go.

Issue 2:
I'm glad Obama appointed Hillary Clinton to Secretary of State. Perhaps she can help America's image abroad. We have to remember that in the past 8 years, WE WERE THE BAD GUYS. Some people know this, others will not accept it. Either way, it has to be acknowledged that there are a whole lot of people out there that got a major problem with us. Just because we elected a black president with a Muslim name doesn't make it all good.

Not by a long shot.

There are always going to be personal vendettas people are going to have against us be it the use of torture on either them or a loved one, or revenge for dead loved ones killed in all of the fighting. Revenge is a feeling that never really goes away. A new face in political power does little to bring a loved one back, especially if that face is control of the nation that has wronged you. This lovely war we're in, has created a new generation of people that will seek our destruction.

My hope is that we can reach out and make amends, and they can see past their anger and their grief. Some can, some can't.

Make no mistake, though today is a great day for celebration, let's not forget that it's still business as usual for both the people who who have suffered underneath our flag, and for those that burn it in effigy. It's a long road ahead and there are going to be setbacks. This president isn't always going to make the most popular decisions either. I have faith that his decisions will be the right ones, just ones we may not like because it costs us money or whatever the situation may be.

Sometimes doing the right thing means you have to do the unpopular thing. When Obama's decisions become sour ones for us to take, I just hope that we take a moment and realize that unlike Bush, Obama has our best interests at heart. He's not out there clearing brush, he's out there rebuilding a nation that has been left for dead.

Hey Douchebag, you're not special.

2009-01-08T21:03:00.000-06:00

One of the things that annoys me most in this wonderful business of nudity and fat girls are these pricks that try and scam a webmodel for a free pass or some shit like that, and then get all pissed off when she says no. I would have a laugh at the expense of their almost supernatural stupidity if it weren't for the fact that they can get rude and nasty.

Not just about passes either.

No, They'll go off on a girl because she won't do a private show for him or "cam" with him. Pay for it like the rest of us you dumb motherfucker! and if the webmodel doesn't get down like that, RESPECT HER WISHES! Besides, you need to consider that she may not be in the mood, maybe Aunt Flo is visiting for the week, Maybe your just an ugly sack of shit. Who cares, the answer is no, so fuck off.

The ones that really piss me off are the ones that get pissy at a model because she dropped a few pounds. What the fuck, asshole? Be happy! So she lost 15-20lbs. Good for her. What have you done? Not a god damned thing, so don't get mad at her. She isn't letting "Society dictate to her" how she ought to be. She just doesn't want to be that big. More power to her. It's not like she's going to turn into Kate Moss overnight for fucks sake.

I hate these pricks and if they are a symptom of being an "FA" then we gotta have some behavioral adjustments toot-fuckin'-sweet. Guys, DO NOT ACT LIKE THAT! I don't give a fuck how mad you are, YOU are at HER mercy. She doesn't have to show YOU a goddamned thing. So, loock up that fucking attitude of "She ows me".

She owes you a kick to the balls.

Happy Freakin' New Year!

2008-12-29T16:38:00.005-06:00

Ok, so it's past Christmas now and I can relax. I work New Years eve, so I don't much have to worry about celebrating it. I don't celebrate it much anyways. Same shit, different year. I like that the new year symbolizes a new beginning. Some people make resolutions that promptly fail with in the first week or two. Give them credit for trying, but it's always a doomed proposition that you are going to change because of a holiday rather than commit to a change that you desire more than anything.

Propose to have your priorities in order.

I don't plan to change much in the new year. Maybe some things, hardly anything noticeable. I like who I am, even when I don't. Sometimes I can't stand myself but that's when I have my most profound insights. Mainly because I don't have that veil of self-denial bullshit to shy me away from recognizing what it is that is troubling me, and facing the fact of just how unpleasant it's going to be to change. Either embrace unpleasant change, or shut the fuck up about suffering.

If 2008 taught me anything, it is that nobody cares when you're bitching. Really. If you're just bitching about something and not doing anything to better the situation, just what the hell are you really doing? Making everybody else miserable. So, if I bitch about something here, perhaps I should do something out in the world to offset it. Sounds like a lot of work though! Sad thing about bitching, it's easy. Doing something about it.... work. Lot's of it.

I'm like Lennon, I don't want to change the world. The problem is the world sucks. There are nice things, yeah. Dr. Pepper is nice. West End Pizza is nice. Sexy fat girls are REALLY nice! I guess the world is supposed to suck for a reason. It makes the few niceties we get that much more nice. Still though, There's far more crap in the world to make up for a few things we find pleasant to justify that rationale.

I think if we just realign our priorities, we would be surprised just how much it can help. Did you not get what you wanted for Christmas? Well, how about getting killed at work? That shit happens everyday and whether you want to believe it or not, dying at work is ALWAYS a possibility..... even if you work at some sickeningly happy place where everybody is so cheerful that you just want to puke. Chances are, that's where the next big office shooting is going to occur, so watch your back.

I have to learn to be happy with what I got. I mean, I got talent. I made this montage for my Saints Row 2 character named Clair Barker.

I got recognition from Bodacious Nicole at BODacious magazine.

As always, I got my sexy friends who think I'm great.

And, of course I have my wife who thinks I'm the cat's meow.

So really, what have I got to bitch about? The world is a shitty place, but big fucking deal, it sucks more for others than it does for me, so counting my blessing helps. God knows if I didn't have these things, I would work on changing that because I can't stand being miserable.

I have yet to meet someone who says "Misery? Let's have MORE of it! I can't be bummed enough!"
Well, people who won't outwardly admit it anyways. In the movie "The Matrix", The machines said that humans defined their existence by their misery. Is there truth to that? We are not truly alive unless we are suffering?

I'm not.

The times where I feel the most alive is when I'm happy and having a great time. Do I spend most of my time being miserable? I try not to. To some people, that's exactly how it looks. I'd resolve to change that, but I've already painted myself into a corner with the whole "New Years Resolution" thing, so maybe I'm better off to say that my attitude is something that continues to need work, and I have yet another year to work on it.

Happy new year, dear readers. Let's all work to make 2009 a better year for ourselves and each other.

My Sexy Friends.

2008-12-22T18:02:00.001-06:00

I get sick of talking about myself and all my bullshit. So, I'll talk about people I consider to be my friends, and more importantly, they consider me to be a friend. The thing about my friends is that they are sexy. I mean really sexy. I don't usually drop names, But I will because I can and they have ads here!

BBW Gwen has the nicest ass in the world and that's good news because she is one of the nicest people in the world. I always knew of her as a webmodel, but after meeting her and her husband at the at the '07 Vegas Bash, I knew that we had met people that my wife and I had a lot in common with. That bash is so memorable because of them. We all just ended up hanging out together. Her and her Husband Jeremy are always very pleasant to talk to. I like talking with Jeremy. He has a great mind (one I can relate too), is very talented and is someone who can really inspire a lot of creativity. He and Gwen both. Gwen is not only a very sexy webmodel, but she is a gifted photographer. They're fun to party with and I really hope to get a chance to party with them in '09 be it in Vegas, Seattle, Chicago perhaps, who knows?

BBW Olivia is another one of my sexy friends. We first started talking more than a couple of years ago. She IM'd me out of the blue talking about a dream she had where my T symbol was lit up in the sky like the bat signal! Crazy shit, but we talk all the time now and she is actually one of my closest friends. She's crazy hot and really sweet too. Meeting her and her husband Carl last summer was great and I do hope we get a chance to hang out again.

Then there is Vermillion. She's hot as fuck and so awesome that even the word awesome bows to her awesomeness. She's a girl that has a raw sexuality and confidence about her that is indeed inspiring. You don't believe me?
Watch this!

Don't ever doubt me again.

And Finally there is Vanessa Reece. She's such a sweetheart! Everytime i get to talk to her, we get into the conversations that usually end up becoming something inspiring. She's asked me to be a contributor to her site http://sexyhotfatties.com/ . How could I say no? She's someone that hasn't lost faith in the size acceptance movement. She doesn't see it as an empty sham. She takes it and makes it into something to focus on and to see that these issues are issues that do affect us all. You want sexy?

She can vaccume my floor anytime!

There are many more people I'm friends with, but these are my immediate circle that I keep in contact with. Who says people can't be as beautiful on the outside as they are on the inside?

So, the question comes up from time to time if my wife gets jealous of any of these women.
Answer: not so much.
See with as hot as all these women are, my wife means everything to me. So, for as hot as all these ladies are, I value their friendships as much as I can appreciate their good looks. Besides, My wife is just as sexy, but she's not the webmodeling type (due to her job). Not only that, she's met them and talks to them from time to time as well. It's no secret. She knows who I talk to, she knows who they are and she knows she can trust me because she trusts them.

Having sexy people as friends is nice, but it's not the reason why they are my friends. They are friends because they have personality traits that resembles some of my own personality traits. This is how we relate to each other and I like having that connection.

I'm in the mood to write all of this because Christmas is in a couple of days now and the only thing I have worth giving is my thanks and my appreciation to these people for being my friends. Since I first started cultivating these friendships, amazing things have happened in my life.

Thank you all so very much!
Happy Holidays.

God, It's me. Are you listening?

2008-12-12T17:41:00.002-06:00

For the first part of my life, my mother did the best she could in taking us to church. It was because of me that we stopped going. It's not that I threw fits and cried about the holy water burning me. I was just a hyperactive little kid who was difficult to keep a tab on. I was always escaping Sunday School. One day, they found me out in the parking lot playing with my Hot Wheels. I was just a kid and wanted to play with my toys, they were all taking a nap. How boring.

Then my parents tried taking me to mass with them. Being a hyperactive little handful, sitting still while some guy was talking about shit I knew nothing about was asking a lot. So, I would crawl under the pews and grab peoples ankles and just be a general menace.

It was after that the church told my mother and father that they didn't want me there until I was old enough to appreciate the church.

Ok, fine, I can understand that. But I think that affected my mom in a way I don't even think she was aware of, because after that, we never went to church again. If God promised to never give us more than we could ever handle, why did the church give up on me? It's not like I was Helen Keller for fucks sake. I didn't want to take a fucking nap, read me a story or some shit, it's not like those lazy asses in Sunday School had anything better to do. then again, what do I know, I was only a child back then.

The point is though that people who are supposed to be true believers in the word and were told by god himself to never give up, gave up on a little boy. They gave up on parents that needed help. They gave up on a family. It really is profound how much a decesion to send a child home can have on them and their family, isn't it?

So why am I grinding down the Religious babble? A couple of things... First...

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

The Word - The Unbearable Lightness of Supreme Being

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

Stephen Colbert really hit a nerve with me in his "word" segment. He hit on the point that has been plaguing me for most of my life: Bad things happening to good people, and good things happening to bad people. What kind of a god does this?

I have NEVER gotten a satisfactory answer. NOT EVER!

God likes to test us? Didn't you hear Alice Cooper? Schools Out! No more pencils, No more books... no more teachers dirty looks. So what's with the constant test of faith? Insecure? It's this kind of bullshit that pushes me further away from faith and embrace science. Science is a reasonable explanation of things we cannot and do not understand. We know about them, but we don't fear them. We look into it and learn WHY.

Thunder is not Angles bowling, it is the rapid contraction of superheated air from lightning. Faith or Reason? I'll take reason. It is substance. It is what must be because by the transitive property of our mere existence, all things exist and the proof is the periodic table of the elements. Everything in the entire universe is possible because of this knowledge. Knowing these things is like holding the hand of god. This is what is real, I have to believe in it because everything I know, exists in this reality and therefore I am bound by their laws.

Faith has too many loop-holes and gray areas. It's ambiguous at best and in an age where we can heal the sick, Explore the heavens and the depths, even harness the power that created our own sun, faith is weak. I have faith that my wife loves me. I have faith my family does too. I have faith the sun will rise again and the Earth will turn to sand. These are properties of certainty that are known so well both personally and predictability.

Faith in an invisible man in the sky that will send us to an eternal torment because we do not follow some strange rules that are obscured by ancient language.... yet claims to love us? Does anybody else see the utter insanity in that?

Another reason why I'm in this mindset is because of something I heard in the movie "The Dark Knight". The Joker said "Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair!"

It certainly explains a lot about life and the natural order of things. How we are brought up, what we choose to believe, what we choose not to believe and then all of those things go completely awry when we become adults. Remember when you believed in Santa Claus? The Magic that was there and the sheer excitement of Christmas because Santa Claus will be there soon? Remember when you stopped believing?
Then the reality set in.
The commercialism.
The consumerism.
The hypocrisy.

People so filled with the "joyous spirit" of the season that they trample a Wal-Mart employee to death. Explain that one to a child.

Religion and faith are things people cling to because it gives them hope and that is why I think it is a beautiful thing. Anything that fills people with hope, dignity and respect can't be all of a bad thing, can it? Faith in someone is a powerful thing, even if it is misplaced and even incorrect. Faith is what it is. It's love. It's hate. It is something that drives humans to do great things, and hideous things and therein lies the hypocrisy of it all.

What's fair? Why isn't life fair? Why do we except the notion that nothing can be fair?

Because of what that ideology leads to. Chaos is indeed fair. Fire burns land and trees just as it burns homes and people. It doesn't judge. It consumes what it can, leaves the rest for other forces of nature, and nature WILL consume it.

So, in believing in any higher power, any omnipotent force of creation, any all "loving" ethereal father figure, Always remember what it took to create all that we know. It wasn't blinked into existence. We, as a species are only as good as how we treat each other. There is a natural balance to all things and it is usually chaos that precipitates that balance. We only live for so long and our kind will be easily forgotten once we are finished. So make the most of the time you have in this world. Believe in yourself and believe in those that believe in you. In the end, that is what makes the difference. If you want to have something as powerful as faith, have it in yourself. Nobody can take that away from you unless you let them.

Parting note. Vanessa Reece, who's a good friend of mine and a very lovely person has asked me to contribute a little bit to her site sexyhotfatties.com which I have. Go check it out and enjoy yourself!

Merry Fucking Christmas!

2008-11-28T17:50:00.003-06:00

Ok, It's after Thanksgiving and with that, i can allow myself some Christmas cheer. Bring on the Nativity Scenes, Menorah's (though not Christmas, it is a recognized symbol of the holiday season) and all that other religious goodness that makes this season so fucking pleasant.

and bring on my favorite pimp, Santa Claus!

It may sound like I'm a holiday cynic. No! Quite the opposite. I'm the biggest fan Christmas has ever seen. I'm a reformed Grinch. I love this time of year! It's that time of year you get to see life how it really is in all of it's splendid glory.

You get to see ALL of life, in it's splendid glory. Remember, Life has a dark side too. Christmas makes that dark side stand out like a turd in a punch bowl. Why do you think the term they use for the Friday after Thanksgiving as "Black Friday"?

I'll tell you why. It isn't because of how busy the stores are. Fuck that. The stores would call it "Golden Friday" if they could. This is the time of year they hold their load for! This is the season for mass marketing, sales, giveaways to the 100th customer before 5 in the fucking morning. This is the time of year to get your shopping on!

However, there is a dark side to this day that is attributed to the human condition. Greed and Want. We've been filled with this notion that the holidays are all about peace and love and good will towards man. Not women, they kick your fuckin' ass on Black Friday (that sounded sexist, but it wasn't meant to be. There are plenty of prick GUYS out there being assholes too). Shopping on this day is like the battle scene from Braveheart, only more violent. Bitches will actually rip shit out of your hands, ram your shopping cart and even punch you. I didn't believe it at first either, but then you see the news:

Worker dies at Long Island Wal-Mart after being trampled in Black Friday stampede

Shots fired at Toys R Us in Palm Desert; 2 dead

Put you hand's over your ears and sing "IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEEEEAAAAAR!"

People wonder why I used to think this holiday is bullshit. I say "used to" because I do try to enjoy them in spite of myself. Not EVERYBODY gets killed when Christmas shopping, just the unlucky ones. Sad thing is, nobody should have to be killed in cold blood while shopping at all. Apparently, nobody got that memo.

There's the suicidal shopping, and then there is always the inevitable family drama that unfolds each year for most people. Now, not everybody has a dramatic family, not everybody's family has drama during the holidays and it may not have happened to you and your family yet, but I can tell you that that check is in the mail. If there is something dark and sinister lurking somewhere in your family, it WILL come out during the holiday season. If there isn't, beware of relatives begging for money for Christmas shopping. If they're too broke to to buy presents, they're too broke to pay you back.

Don't believe me? Watch some People's Court or Judge Judy and I promise you that you will see a case of one family member fucking over another family member just in time for the holidays. So, I've become known as a stingy fuck, but at least I'm still on speaking terms with my friends and my family. If family members need money and you want to give it to them, don't expect it back.

But I'm up beat about Christmas for two reasons. One, My wife loves this holiday and since I love her, by proxy, I love Christmas. But my second reason is one that I've come to formulate over the years and seeing it in the media. Christmas is all about my boy, the Master Pimp, SANTA CLAUS! That mother fucker pimps everything from Soft Drinks to Sex Toys.

He IS a Pimp. We've all heard it before; He wears a Red Velvet Suit and hat lined with White Fur, Patent Leather Boots polished to a high shine, Drives a tricked out sleigh powered by the most FUCKED UP Reindeer you've ever seen! And he's always saying Ho Ho Ho. But that's not why I think of him as a pimp. No. That mother fucker is a salesman! The legend says he flys all over the world and unlawfully enters people homes.... without setting off the security devices or waking up the dogs. And then he leavs shit for all the good little boys and girls.

Fuck that old ass legend. I'm writing a new one.

Santa Claus lives at the North Pole for Tax Reasons. His Elves don't build toys, they're marketing consultants from companies all over the world. Fuck making free toys, there's no money in that. The elves talk to the board of directors for each company and then they report to the Man himself. Santa then takes all of these marketing ideas and runs with them. He signs off on all of this shit that says it's ok to use his image for retail marketing, for a percentage that's considered steep, but if you want Santa Clause to be the spokesman for your shit, you'll pay up. He reaps in the royalties and once he's paid his staff of elves and cut them all holiday bonuses, he goes to Vegas with Mrs. Clause for new years eve, buys the whole town a drink and hooks up some kinky threesome, foursome,moresome orgy action. Hey, the story is to be sold, not to be told! You gonna have to talk to Larry Flynt about that one.

That's MY boy!

I don't get depressed about Christmas. I don't bemoan the capitalistic society we live in and the exploitation of the holiday. I don't hold any contempt for any religion that claims this time of year for some kind of miracle or other. Too me, The gifts of Christmas Day are your reward for SURVIVING The entire month of December. It is all a bunch of bullshit. There is some merit to the idea of peace on earth and it's nice when people keep that in mind. Those are the things that give us faith in our species and that we will somehow, someway, survive into the next eon. Until then though, Santa Clause is there to remind me that hey, it's a lot of work, but it all pays off in the end. Just kick back, soak in all of the cheesy Christmas schmootz and hold out for the new year.

After that, it's all gravy!

Why Saints Row 2 is the best video game ever.

2008-11-12T19:30:00.002-06:00

Sorry everybody, I haven't been updating this thing as much as I probably should. The reason for that is a game for XBox 360 called Saints Row 2. This is pretty much the most addicted to a video game I have ever been. On the outset, it looks just like any other open-ended game. But when you get into all of the subtle little things, it's easy to lose yourself in one task or another. The level of customization is unbelievable.

So why am I sooooo addicted?

Well, When you start off, you can choose the gender of your character, and details like hair and eye color, but most important for me, WEIGHT! As you can imagine, I made a fat girl. She looks pretty good too. I wish I had a picture to display.

Having this though has added a new level to my gaming in that I finally get a character I TOTALLY dig! In the game's story, it turns out she's not a very nice person. She's rather ruthless..... And that turns me on!

Seriously, is it wrong to fall in love with a video game character? If it is, I don't want to be right! This chick is awesome! This game has gotten into me on a number of levels, which is rare for me. Usually I'm hooked into a game if the story is good or if the playability is awesome. I have some issues with their control scheme. I have had to all but forget how the button set up was for Grand Theft Auto 4 in favor of Saints Row 2, But then again, this game is much more worth my time to play.

As for the Character you play as, I once wrote up a small story about a gun-slinger with an attitude very similar to the one in the game. I'm not going to claim plagiarism here because I'm not a total douche-bag. It does mean a lot to me though to see a concept of an idea right there in front of me!

I'd rather watch a fat girl kick ass with guns and kung-fu rather than some skinny dude going on dinner dates with other guys. GTA 4 promises Downloadable content..... No thanks, I have fat girls kicking ass! Compared to this game, I'm sorry to tell you GTA Lovers this, but, GRAND THEFT AUTO 4 IS A SERIOUS DISAPPOINTMENT!

Yes, this is a big deal to me and if Saints Row 3 has this level of customization for their characters, I will be just as hooked. I guess I'm pretty shallow in that I have a main character in a game who's fat and really sexy as hell. I'm shallow in that it is that idea that would completely sell me on a game. I was like that for Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 where you could build your own skater and make her proportionally bigger. Fat Girl Skateboarder, NICE! After that though, they never had that level of customization and for me, it was all down hill from there.

It doesn't hurt Saints Row 2 the fact it is an actual GOOD game with lots of levels, weapons, vehicles, all kinds of customizable things, Distractions and side projects. It does freeze up from time to time, but I have yet to encounter a game that doesn't have bugs in it. Even if I did and it was awesome, If it doesn't have fat girls in it, I'm not interested!

Just Kidding, I'd be interested. VERY INTERESTED! Just not as interested as an awesome game with playable fat girls.

The McCain Campaign is falling apart.

2008-10-25T12:10:00.001-05:00

But here's what I don't understand,
Amidst this potential Idiocracy, this campaign STILL has supporters. I don't the idea that this bumbling fool and this dreadful woman can lead this nation in what could only be described as it's darkest hour.

Because he's an old white man? What gives?

Because he has sound policies? what, per say would ever allow a person to think that even if McCain himself had the most noble of intentions, that his "handlers" would ever allow him to implement his ideas. Hasn't this campaign shown his ineptitude to lead? He couldn't run the campaign he wanted, so he let everybody else wipe their feet all over him, INCLUDING Sara Palin?

And she has. One only needs to look at a newspaper to see how.

This is the great hope for the Republic? This is worthy of faith? I don't understand it. I don't understand it and it's frustrating. People want change. I want change, but I look at this failure of a presidential campaign and I see the same comedy of errors that was apparent in the Bush administration.

In all seriousness. I don't want to mock Republicans because at their core they do have a rather sound belief system. It isn't right, it isn't wrong, same as any core ideology. Somewhere along the way tough, the GOP lost it's way. It's infested with this neo-conservative crap that has gummed up the gears of a fierce machine that has proven in the past that it can be beneficial to human kind.

Abe Lincoln was just one of many Republicans who did great things with this nation. I don't want to see them as "the party of evil" because their history has a lot of greatness in it.

I say this because I want the Bipartisanship to end. I realize it will never end as long as we, the people still practice it. We have to stop with the Red State/Blue State bullshit. It isn't about which party is leading us, it's about the problems we have yet to overcome.

Attack ads and irresponsible spending is not going to solve our problems. And, let's not think that solutions are going to happen overnight. It's going to take a couple of years to get this nation turned around. It will turn around though, just as it has before. In the end, let's not look at our leader neither as a democrat or a republican, but as an American who just wanted to do right for his country.

It's ok to have an ideology, but it isn't ok to think that your ideology is the right one. It's the one you believe in. Just because you believe in it, doesn't mean it's what's good for the masses. We all, Democrats and Republicans alike have to see the world outside of party lines.

Me? I'm voting for the guy who's running the better campaign. I'm voting for the guy who has earned my trust, and hasn't used fear to motivate me because I assure you, fear only inspires me to refuse and resist. Terrorists hold the threat of death over our heads, but I can promise you one and all that there are worse things than death. We all die, do it with some dignity. The Bush administration has tough me that you don't know what you got until it's gone. Habeas corpus is a human right, and one of many that has been stripped away along with our right to privacy. This is still an outrage to me because this was one man's middle finger in the face of his people.
To fight terrorists.... I'm not convinced.
Human rights replaced with what? Enhanced interrogation techniques? Yeah, that will inspire a better image of our nation, one that is deeply despised by other nations. Why? Because we don't know when enough is enough.

It's important to remember that America used to stand for something good. Nations looked up to us and depended on us to be nothing more than good people, good neighbors. What have we become? Can we ever go back to that nation that just wanted to play in the sandbox with the other nations, not try to own it and push the others around. Our nation has lost it's soul. We lost our confidence. We shipped it over seas for a premium price and cheap labor.

It's not too late though, we can still get it back.

It all starts with us. We, the people. The state of our nation is not the end, it's the beginning of a new age. A new America. If it is one thing we all know is that Americans are damn good at making something out of nothing. Let's use that as a positive, not a negative.

The cult of politics.

2008-10-16T10:58:00.002-05:00

Burnt out from the election yet? Will you be glad when it's finally over?
Me too.
We still have a little bit left to go though, but we have to remain strong. We can't allow ourselves to fall into this thing of where we hate the other guy so much that we believe the lies and deceit that are whispered down from other people.

Did you know Obama's a terrorist?
Did you know Palin is forcing her daughter to get married?

I don't care about that shit. I care about some of the bills Obama voted on and I care about Palin's abuse of power in Alaska. I care about John McCain's age and his mental capacity (Because that can slip away real fast, trust me, I've seen it happen in a man I respected and loved with all of my heart, and I still do) and I worry about Joe Biden making an ass out of himself YET AGAIN in front of...... people...... with eyes...... and who can hear as well as see.

I'm not thrilled with our choices. There are other people to vote for, sure, but it's like jerking off, YOU feel good after wards, but it does nothing for anybody else. So third parties are a distant hope, but let's face it, the political structure of America is centered around money. Gotta spend it to campaign otherwise nobody will know your message. Is this any surprise though?

And speaking of money? How's your 401k? Looking like shit, isn't it? And isn't it just a touch of socialism for the government to be buying into banks? They say they're going to have a minimal role in that, and I call bullshit. this coming from the same jerk-offs that suspended habias corpus, and allowed warrant less wiretapping on their own citizens.

Fuck that.

This whole thing reeks of conspiracy, and that's all I'm going to say.

The next president has to untie this knot, and it isn't as simple as cutting it in half. the next president has to make all of the right decisions and cannot make seconded guesses. They have to make their policies work. So vote for the one who's policy look like a good idea. Who's idea is that? I don't know, I'm not being paid by either one the candidates to fully endorse them. I know Who I'm voting for though. Barak Obama and Joe Biden, here's why:
Because they're not Republican.

I know, it's a stupid thing to say, but I don't have much faith in the republican party these days. There are examples on top of examples of foolish and ignorant behavior on both the behalf of the candidates and their supporters. I'm supposed to feel good about this? This is supposed to win me over? 8 years of failed Bush policies.... REPUBLICAN policies, and this is the best they can do? I'm not convinced.

No, they've made their case to me and I have listened. I listened and I was not moved or inspired to make their point of view my own. I understand it, but it is not what I believe and I should not be made to believe it. I'm not trying to paint all Republicans with the same brush as there are people I know and love dearly who are republican. But in this, their opinion differs from mine and I think they are wrong.

I'm not full blooded Democrat either. There's plenty of Democrats out there that don't make me too happy because they're corrupt assholes as well. Nancy Pelosi lied to us about impeaching Bush if the Dems took the house 2 years ago. Bush should stand trial for some of the things he's done in office. Like what? Ask Vincent Bugliosi, he will tell you.

This is the first time I have felt so passionately about an election. It's sad because I'm voting for a guy that doesn't really impress me and considering I'm making a choice for the person to lead our nation, that's pretty sad. But, I'd rather he lead us than his opponent who I like even less. The thought of McCain dying in office and leaving Sarah Palin as president terrorizes me because she acts like some podunk hick who doesn't know shit from shoe-shine. I don't like her Hockey-mom attitude and I don't like her deceptive behavior.

She being one old mans heartbeat away from ruling this nation is enough to wake me up in the middle of the night. She doesn't have the spirit of the lord in her, she only has her own self interest. Her religiousness is just a crutch and an excuse for intolerance and xenophobia.

Personally, I don't believe Religion and Politics should EVER mix. You know what you get? Jihad.

Look, come election day, you are all going to vote for the person you want and my opinion shouldn't impact your decision. Vote for whoever you want. If you vote for McCain though, don't tell me, I'll be sad.

Meant to be?

2008-10-10T02:10:00.003-05:00

I'm a fan of things that happen for no reason. For example, I went for a walk the other day. It's not often I choose to go out for a walk, but that day I really felt like going outside. The weather was kind of strange. You know how it can be sunny and it still rains? Well that's how it was, and being aware of my surroundings, I saw a rainbow. I snapped off this pic with my camera phone. Oddly enough, the park I went for a walk in was named RAINBOW park.

It got me thinking though. Was it meant for me to feel ambitious to go out and see that rainbow at rainbow park? What does "Meant to be" supposed to mean anyway? Fate? I'm the kind of person that feels uncomfortable with the idea that I do not control my own future. I know there are things that happen beyond my control, and I understand that, but, it's how we choose to deal with those sets of circumstances that lays out the sets of choices we have to deal with in the future. Some people believe that no matter what choices you make, you were meant to make that choice from the beginning.

So, by process of trying to understand fate, all of the choices and decisions I have made in my life led me to take that walk and take that picture. So why is there even a choice? If our lives are determined by fate, why make any decisions? I think we make decisions and we are either rewarded for good decisions or pay penance for bad decisions. I chose to go for a walk. Rainbow park is less than a block from my apartment. The Rainbow was going to happen whether I was there or not because it is a scientific function of nature where light reflects off moisture in the air. I always have my phone with me and my phone has a camera, it was my choice to take the picture of the rainbow and present it here. All are results of choice and timing.

It isn't as romantic of a notion as fate, but to me, it's more comforting. It's comforting because even though our economy is going down the toilet and markets around the world are collapsing, I know that I still have control of the decisions I make. I can't stop the world from falling into poverty, but i can choose to take part in this election and vote for someone to help lead us out of it. Will the guy I vote for win? I don't know. If he doesn't, it's one of those things I just didn't have control of and provides a new set of choices and challenges ahead of me. So, the next time you are confronted by a choice, big or small, just remember that what makes a decision a bad decision is how you deal with it. You could lose everything, but if you work to get it all back, you learn to appreciate what you have.

Public displays of declaration.

2008-10-03T01:30:00.008-05:00

It started with a thread over at Dimensions about a site devoted to Fat Admires and their pictures. Talk talk talk, next thing you know, I have my blue I *heart* fat chicks shirt on and I'm getting my picture taken out in front of LA Weight loss and Curves weight loss center.

Something happened though. Something really unexpected. I posted those pics and people went crazy! They totally dug it! They thought it was awesome that I had so much devotion that I would go out and be photographed in public with that shirt on. To me, it wasn't a big deal to wear it, have my picture taken in it and put it up on the internet. This is everyday shit to me. I always wear that shirt.

It's a comfortable shirt!

And I've gotten compliments wearing it in the past. Girls would tell me that they like my shirt. I'd smile and tell them thank you with as much charm and dignity as I got. So, I like the attention it gets me. My wife on the other hand..... hates it when I wear those things out (I have more than one). She has her reasons and I respect them and I respect her. So, I was amazed when she agreed to go out with me to take these pics.

Oh sure, I've gotten negative feedback on them as well. I don't care though. All that means is that I know who I don't have to be friendly with. AND, if they want to be a prick with me.... Let's just say it's easy to be a nice guy and a dick at the same time... just gotta know how to do it and be willing to pay the price for the spite.

All in all though, when I go out publicly in one of my fat girl loving shirts, I feel as though I'm making a declaration to everyone else out there that I am not like them, that I'm honest and that I'm not going to be ignored. That I mean business. Hey, someone who wears a shirt telling you he loves fat chicks.... why would he fuck around? Isn't it obvious I only care about impressing one select segment of society? Everybody else can just fuck off.

I think the thing that motivated me the most though was someone pointed out that a lot of these sign guys were in a room and alone, not out in public. It's easy to declare something in the comfort of your computer chair, but it's something else to go out there and show the world you mean it. Again, this is everyday shit for me. Want a public pic of a guy proclaiming his love of fat girls? Done. I'll do it again too. I'll make up a new shirt and I'll be photographed in that as well!

What I'm really trying to do is set the bar for guys out there. I'm setting the bar for the ladies as well. It's a simple statement. Guys, you better be willing to show how you feel openly and honestly. Being a guy who loves fat girls is something you can't hide, and you shouldn't. So be bold about it. I do it because I like it, I'm comfortable with how I feel and I really don't care about what other people may think because the people that will talk shit, are the kind of people I'm not interested in having as a friend.... or even an acquaintance.

*note: I care about how ONE person feels and it's because I love her very much. I share my life with her and she puts up with a lot of my personal bullshit. I figure the best way of thanking my wife for that is by respecting her wishes. Everybody else can just jump up their own ass and die.

Ladies, If a guy tells you he likes fat girls, then he needs to show you how serious he is. I'm not telling you what you should be asking for out of him..... but I lead by example. Gotta seperate the closet cases from the real men that actually want to be with you.

My friend Kali set up a site devoted to people who want to be recognized as FA's socially. http://www.fat-admirers.com/
If this is something you think you would like to be a part of, definitely check that action out. Tell her T_Devil sent you. She'll get a laugh.

One more thing before I sign off here with this blog. You may have noticed the ads to some websites here. I'm a whore. I do it for money! I'm also a slut because I like doing it. Look at those girls though, they're fucking hot! Go check their sites out if you don't believe me. Some people may see ads, but I see it as my blog getting a whole lot prettier!

Now go check them out, they're good people. Then after that, go submit a pic of yourself at http://www.fat-admirers.com/ with a sign saying "I love fat girls" outside and in public. You don't have too, but I'm going to. Don't blame me if you look bad in comparison. It's time to step your game up! I'm pretty, and I make this look easy!

Dealing with unresolved issues.

2008-09-26T11:28:00.002-05:00

I had a dream that I was all the way back in grade school. I don't remember the details of the dream, but I do remember that I absolutely hated grade school. I woke up, and I thought back to when I was that age.

I would give almost anything to have a heart to heart discussion with myself as a kid. I know what I would say, because I know what I needed to hear, the truth.

"Look kid, thinks suck now and they are going to suck for a while. You're a kid, that's how life is. But I'll tell you something, you make it through this, you will become the person you have always wanted to be. You will become that cool guy with the girl and the friends and the job you like. Nobody will pick on you any more. The kids fuckin' with you now, they disappear! You never ever have to see them again for any reason once you're finished with school!"

Me as a kid though, would always have something to say like:

"That's in the future. I don't even know if I'm going to have one. What I know is I still have to get up tomorrow and I still have to go to some good for nothing place and deal with worthless people who do nothing but smash my head in with a bunch of bullshit insults, lies and other stuff that makes me more miserable than when I went in. It's so nice to see that I haven't ended up killing myself, but that only means I'm stupid enough to take this pain day after day after day. The future means nothing to me knowing I have to continue to suffer through this, my life."

I was a pretty sad kid, but I would just tell him this.

"Life isn't easy, especially yours. Everything you're going through now is laying the foundation of the man you are becoming. Making me into the man that I am. You're putting your time in now. All of this grief and aggravation is temporary. Tomorrow, next week, next school year.... It's temporary. The only thing you have to do, the ONLY thing you have to do, is survive and learn from it. This pain you're feeling now, you are learning how NOT to treat people. The anger you feel constantly, you feel it becoming a part of you. You use that anger by turning it into energy that drives determination. It is only after you are free of these people can you break away. You become free of them once you gain control over your own life. Just trust me, live. Make your own choices, but always live."

I wouldn't warn him about getting mixed up with drinking, drugs or running with the wrong crowd. That is a part of me and for better or worse, they were choices I made that helped to define who I am. My mom would always tell me as a kid that things would get better. I never saw it because I could never see past the next day. I guess I have developed a kind of vision that can only come with age, but I wish I could give that to myself as a kid. I know, most people my age feel the same way. I'm sure you all would have something that you would want to tell yourself as a kid. Something about your future without giving too much of it away.

For me, That kid is still kicking around in my head. Freed from memories that hurt him and treated him so badly. Now he is free to enjoy a world he couldn't possibly have thought was possible, but it doesn't make it any less real. He's grateful he doesn't have to be a child anymore, at least not a child trapped in shitty childhood.

Every so often, I'll buy a toy. I'll take it out of the package, and I'll let that kid play with it. He's a good kid and he deserves something. I made a promise to myself that if I could ever enjoy life, I would. I can, so I do. It's not always a sunny walk in the park, but it isn't the total shit storm struggle day to day and the torment of waiting for it to happen again the next day either. Each day is a new day with new possibilities. I don't wake up and my first thought is "How am I going to be fucked with at school again today?".

I know there are still unresolved issues I'll never get closure to. I'll never get an apology from the fuckers who made my life hell. I know I'm not even an after thought to them. I only exist to them as a hole in their memory. Something unpleasant that is better off forgotten. I've come to the conclusion that I don't care and that I shouldn't care. Even if they were to come up to me in the street today and tell me they were sorry for how they treated me. All I could say to them now would be:

"Look, I'm glad it bothered you to the point of feeling like you had to address the issue, but the fact is that my anger and hatred of you turned into something far more useful. I should thank you for that, but I ought to give you my therapist bill to pay instead. I'm not going to though. Over the years, your words, insults and general disdain towards me have come to mean less than nothing, along with you. I certainly don't blame you for all of the stupid decisions that I've made in my life. Those were my decisions to make and I made them of my own volition.

I do blame you for my warped and skewed sense of reality though. For the apathy I feel towards society in general, and the paranoia of people I don't know. It was my interactions with you that made me develop these senses. Had things been different and you had treated me nicely, perhaps I wouldn't have those feeling.... but then that means I could be a completely different person to which would most likely mean I wouldn't be who I am and I probably wouldn't be as happy as I am now.

Don't congratulate yourself for that though. Take no solace in the fact that I didn't shoot up my school or end up being a serial killer. You had nothing to do with the good things in my life. You could have, but you didn't. If you take anything away from this experience with me now, take away the knowledge that even decisions we made as children affect us deeply as adults. Nevertheless, they were choices we made, and the consequences can never change.

Don't feel like you're a good person for wanting to make amends and apologize. That doesn't make you a good person to me. You missed that chance long ago. I only forgive you because there are things I want to be free of. My freedom from you and your insipidness is more reward than I could have hoped for. I don't know what you thought your apology would free you from, what demon you're trying to exorcise. I know that you made the choice to be that person so long ago and that now you are different.

There are times my mind will experience that pain again, even for a brief moment. There are times it still hurts. Even now that I know you are sorry, there is that part of me that still feels your cruelty. It's a type of sadness that never really goes away. It's there, but I've muted it and I live my life. I forgive you for what you did, but it doesn't change what you did. Just as I know you are sorry, you are forgiven, but any lingering pain you still feel from being that kind of a person, is penance for being that person. I have to deal with who I was, you should too.

Have a nice day."

Wow. what a breakthrough.

The upside to our bleak future.

2008-09-17T18:11:00.003-05:00

So everybody is worried about our economy. Worried about if they're going to be able to keep their houses and/or jobs. Financial insurers and institutions are toppling like dominoes. A dollar that's weaker than our presidents excuses, and two presidential candidates who smell the blood in the water like a pair of hungry sharks, ready to fight over the wounded Sea Lion. It's looking sad out there. The price of gasoline is through the roof. The cost of living has increased. Our comfortable standard of living is slipping away before our eyes. Depressing.

But, I'm a dreamer. I dream that if we did indeed lose everything, that the people would rebel against a government that can no longer care for or give a shit about it's people. I'm not talking one or two sparse riots like in LA or NYC. I'm talking about entire cities of people just losing their minds and burning everything to the ground. I said I was a dreamer, I didn't say I was a real positive one.

Personally though, this was a long time coming. It had to happen because our pattern of business was following the same pattern of the 1920's. If we had a great depression like the one in the 30's, good god. Talk about a disaster of global proportions. I can't think of any one nation that wouldn't be affected.

So I mentioned something about an upside? There is a silver lining to this impending doom? Sure! Ok, you know how everybody bitches about how they never have enough time to enjoy the simple pleasures in life? Well guess what, you aint got job, you aint got no money, you aint got no fuckin' house to clean.... shit, simple pleasures is all you got! Also, environmentalists always urge us to walk or ride a bike. Well, with gasoline being a luxury nobody can afford, there will be less CO2 going into the atmosphere which means less global warming. Give the planet enough time to catch her breath. Oh, and all that walking an bike riding will get us in better shape which means we won't have to see a doctor that we can't afford. Of course we are all going to be too fucking miserable to see these positives, what, with trying to find food and shelter on a daily basis, but come on!

Really, this is the answer to a few common wishes.
I wish I had more time.
I wish I could do something for the planet.
I wish I were in better shape.

There wouldn't be any more internet, which would suck for me because the internet is the hub of my social circle. Nobody local is into the same things I am. Close, but close doesn't cut it. I guess that would force me to be more tolerant of other peoples faults..... and they would have to tolerate mine. ok, that would suck.

But, think of a time back when things mattered. Back when people knew what important issues were. Back when nobody gave a shit about what some rich heiress was doing. Back when we cared about our neighbors because they were all we had. Does it take a disaster of this magnitude to force us to appreciate the things we have now? Yeah. I mean I'm thankful for all this shit, don't get me wrong, but I think that all of the technology we have discovered and developed over the past 90 years happened so quickly that we didn't have time to fully develop a sense of what we had and how we got here. It was always the next big thing we always thought about and that's what's getting us into trouble.

I'm guilty of this too! I'm not saying that I'm any better. I like having these things, I get a techie hard-on for new gadgets that does stuff... especially computer and video game stuff. I like buttons and lights and all the wonderful pretties.

But there's always that part of me that speaks in defiance. "Is that necessary to live?"
Yeah, Tyler Durden lives in my head too and he tells me that it's all just junk. So then I really question a lot of things that I would like to purchase. Often times, I put it back and leave it alone. Money better spent somewhere else. That type of thinking has permeated into a lot of my thinking. Nice things are nice to have, sure, but how necessary are they? In the end, are the convienences we have worth dying for? Worth suffering for?

The economy is going to fall apart eventually. It is an inevitability. The billions of dollars the government is using to bail out AIG has to come from somewhere. We're still fighting an intensely expensive war and our budget is non-existant. If America were a business, it would be bankrupt. Maybe a miracle will swoop in and save us. Maybe we can pull out of this financial nosedive and steady ourselves out and our comfortable lives won't be affected. It would be a true relief, that's for sure.

But if this depression does happen, light a match and stop cursing the darkness. Don't talk about how things used to be, That shit is over. Learn from it and move on. Be aware of how things are and work towards making things being better so that the future will be a good one once again. It's going to suck, no two ways about it. We all know that though. Tell us something we don't know. Be happy about something, anything! Because being miserable is far too easy and in the end, is of no benefit to anybody.

Mixed blessings.

2008-09-12T21:34:00.002-05:00

Being a clerk in an adult store isn't all fun and games. We do actual work. Some of the work we do is some of the filthiest jobs known. Last night I was cleaning "the back" and I found a five dollar bill...... in a small puddle of jizz. I know, it's disgusting..... but it's also 5 bucks. I've gotten my ass kicked in the past over five dollars, so to me, it's a lot of money.

But it's covered in man milk. So what do I do?

Do I just write it off as a loss to the US Government and throw it out? Or, Do I glove up, wash that fucker off with soap and water and swap it out with another five at my first opportunity? Many of you are saying "EEEWWWW! GROSSSSSSS!" and would just sweep it right into the garbage and I could hardly blame you. I wouldn't give you 5 bucks for doing it, but I wouldn't stop you either.

To me, THAT is a mixed blessing. Things like that are all around us. Something that is good, but it comes with a condition. It's hard to think of a good example because there are so many out there, but the fiver in the spew is a pretty good example. It's something that is worth going through some unpleasantness for.

To me, fishing it out of the gunk is of little consequence to me because I'm used to that kind of sick shit. I took it to the sink, washed it off in some hot, soapy water, blotted it off with a paper towel and wrapped it in another piece of paper towel. First chance I got, I traded it for another one. I don't know if my new five was any cleaner, but my guilty conscience was gone!

I don't feel bad about it. It's a lesson of taking the good with the bad and dealing with it an appropriate manner. That happened at a good time for me as this week hasn't been the easiest to deal with. The whole week up to the day 9/11 where the nation insists on opening old wounds just to "remember" is tough on both my wife and I. I'm just going to say we have deeply personal reasons why it bothers us, as most people do, and I'll leave it at that.

So finding that five bucks on the floor really cheered me up. Then I saw what it was laying in and I was like "That fucking figures!" and confronted that part of me that was excited to see the money, and the part of me that was disgusted to see what it was in. In the end, I decided that after the hard time I had been having this week, I didn't just want the money, I fucking deserved it! It was gross, but gross washes off.

So remember dear reader, Sometimes the greatest of blessings means we have to go through the nastiest of trials.

Peace.

Putting unresolved issues to rest.

2008-09-06T11:50:00.002-05:00

All my life, I've had issues. With ADHD, Dyslexia, ADD, Clinical Depression characterized with a Dysthymic Disorder. Clearly I'm a mess. I think a lot of it comes from childhood, but all good mental illness develops in and from childhood, doesn't it? So I've been learning to cope with these issues and lay to rest other issues that have plagued me all through my life. I've let go of a lot of anger I once held. It's amazing how long my inner child wanted to hold onto my hate and loathing of certain people. Some of these people I haven't seen in the better part of 20 years!

I let it all go. I'm not going to get an apology. I'm not gonna get a cash settlement for pain and suffering for all the years I carried that animosity around with me. So why carry it? Now remember (and people who know me know this is true) I'm a kind, caring and loyal person. I feel love with great intensity. The price for that is I feel hate just as intensely. I'm quick to anger and I tend to dwell on things done wrong to me that I have no control over.

I'm a work in progress.

I've come a long way though. I have found i can be a patient person, I just have to allow myself to be. I have found an almost unbelievable capacity to forgive. If not to forgive, to at least let the grudge go. Sometimes I can't let things go, and those are the things I have to work on. It's not easy and it sucks, but I do it to better myself as a person.

Then I realize that 9/11 is almost upon us. Talk about the ultimate in being victimized. Talk about one of the worst things that a collective group of people can experience. So many people were murdered and what did we get from it? Fear. Different fear for different people. Some people fear the terrorists. Well, I don't because when you've been randomly attacked as much as I have in my life, both physically and emotionally, Strange people attacking you for no reason isn't such a foreign concept.

For me, I've learned to fear my own government. I fear people who would use something like this as a justification to clandestinely strip it's citizens of some of their most important rights. things like the USA PATRIOT act were passed that made it easier for our government to pry themselves into looking into our personal lives. All in the name of finding terrorists.

Looks good on paper, and I have nothing to hide, but still, Why would I want them poking around in my personal business and life if I'm not guilty of anything? I mean, writing criticism about the president or even the government itself could be construed as an act of terrorism if it isn't carefully worded. They don't tell us the criteria of which their searches are based on and they don't have to.

Is this what they mean when they tell us that freedom isn't free?

I'm not going to even go into the war in Iraq because I'm just preaching to the choir at this point. I feel that many of us have lost more than their dignity to this little faux pas in national intelligence. Some lost what can never be given back and that is what angers me the most.... and that's why I'm not going into it.

Instead, It's important to see what IS happening. what has been taken away and why it's important. It's also important to see who took it away and why. The Terrorists? No, they flew airplanes into buildings and killed thousands of people. It was our own government that took our rights away because of it. So who won? Who got their way?

THEN, Oh my god, if having these feelings weren't enough, The Republican Party aired THIS at their national convention. I felt ill after watching that. Like there are people so desperate to hold onto power that they will instill fear to manipulate people into voting for them. Who are the terrorists now?

So, When I say that I'm letting a lot of things go, one of those things has to be 9/11. I can't hold onto that anymore..... it hurts too much. We may never capture Bin Laden, the man who claimed responsibility for 9/11. I'm not forgiving the man, but he isn't worth my freedom and my dignity. He isn't worth any of the emotions I have left. He is worthy of nothing, not even wrath. I feel this way because I have no more hate left to give. I burned it all up on this war in Iraq, it's pointlessness, the price we had to pay because of it, who benefited the most from it.

I'm letting 9/11 go in lieu of much bigger problems here at home. Issues that concern us everyday. Terrorists may attack. Today, tomorrow, Next year. They may kill thousands of people. They may be people I love and care about. May even be me. You know what though, if it happens, it happens. I cannot concern myself with something that may or may not happen.

I know the cost of living keeps rising along with the price of fuel. I know people who need medical help are not getting it because the cost of it is out of control. Our own people are dying of neglect. The republican party can tear open old national wounds like I used to pick at my own arms and make them bleed and run with infection, but it doesn't change the problem. We are so mired down in political depression and economic self-doubt.

If I am to believe in myself, I MUST believe in my country......

We have so much in common.

Walking That Mile.

2008-08-30T17:28:00.003-05:00

It's been a little while since my last post. I got so much positive feedback that it was incredible! It meant a lot to me that people cared so much about what I had to say, and that people were even moved by it. I like comments, leave them if you feel so inclined, I enjoy reading them.

I thought a lot about what I wrote in that blog and some people thought I was being a little unfair to the closet cases. Sometimes they don't mean to come off as selfish pricks. It's that they don't know what to do. They ask questions and are met with such hostility that they fear to ask any other ones. Well, if that's true, I figure I ought to say something.

Being the outspoken Fat Girl Admirer that I am, I thought I could perhaps provide some guidance in this area. If you are a closet case and you want to get out but are afraid, read up because I'm writing this for you. Everybody else can agree or disagree at their leisure.

I call it "Walking That Mile", and I call it that for a reason.
Marathon runners have always said that it's that first mile that is always the toughest. After that first mile is behind you, you begin not to notice how far you go after that. I'm no runner, but I know what it is to do some serious soul searching and some proving of personal worth to the harshest critic of me alive.... myself. Believe it. The standard I expect out of myself is twice what I expect out of anyone else.

To prove that you are indeed the man, you first have to ask yourself if this thing you have for fat girls is just a passing fancy or if it's here to stay and is never going to go away. There are guys who just like to fuck fat chicks, and that's it. If you're one of these guys, seriously, step off right now man because this isn't for you. I'm only giving it up here for my real FA's that are sick of having to hide their feelings from other people.

So, that's really the first question you should ask yourself:
Do I just want to see this fat girl naked or do I have real feelings for her?
Trick question, right? Of course you want to see her naked! But, it's the second part that is your answer. If you have feelings for her, then you at least have feelings for her as well as finding her body style pleasing. If you just want to see her naked, go jerk off to some internet porn until the fascination passes.

Next question you ought to ask yourself is a general one.
If I come out about it and let my friends and family know, how will they take it?
First, examine how they feel about fat people. Are they mean about overweight people like Ted Nugent and Anthony Bourdain? If they are, and you feel strongly attracted to fat girls, then it's time to examine your friendships a little bit closer. Remember, friendships come and go, but what you feel in your heart is forever. As for your family being a bunch of closed minded pricks, just ask yourself this:
Do I care what they think?
If you do, then you need to move out of your parents basement and experience life a little bit more. Then ask yourself that same question after you have had a taste of independence and what it means to be free.

If you don't care what they think, you better be ready to go right to the floor with it because it won't be pretty. If they are rude to you, unkind to you, mean to you and act as if they would be uncivil to the person of your affection, just remember that we can pick our friends, we cannot pick our family. If they can't support you, then they are the ones driving you away. Don't extend a hand of understanding if it's only going to get slapped away again and again and again.
Can I live without them?
Only you hold the answer to that question.

Then there are the more social questions:
Would I feel ashamed of being with her in public?
Obvious answer to this one with serious repercussions. If you are ashamed, time to jerk off to more internet porn because you are not ready. But if you are NOT ashamed, the next logical question is;
What do I do if people stare at us?
If you catch someone staring, grab her hand and hold it tight. Tell her that you are happy to be with her and compliment her. You really should be doing this anyway, but if people are giving you the stare, then this is a subtle way of letting them know that you two are just ordinary people, not a side show at the circus. Just a note here, if you are out and with your girl and you are romantic with each other and someone starts in with their disbelieving stares... kiss her. Just out of the blue. Turn their uncomfortable energy right back on them.

So you decided to take on the responsibility of having an adult relationship with a fat girl. I really hope you have thought this through because this is the part of your development as an "FA in Training" where your mistakes can be potential catastrophes. It's not just about you anymore. It's about her and her feelings. If you want to take her someplace to eat and she lets you decide, take her to the most popular place to go. just be sure the food is good and you bring enough money. Don't count on sex after this, just count on eating and having fun, ok? Show her that you are happy to be with HER... not her fat. Her fat is a secondary characteristic. Fetishists take special note: SHE'S A PERSON! A person with feelings and emotions. Care about HER, not her weight.

As a matter of fact, don't even discuss her weight unless she brings it up. Not all girls are as confident as BBW Webmodels, and it's going to take more time than this meal to really convince her she sexy. Earn her trust first, then she might believe you. Boys, it's important to understand something about fat girls and a lot of the ladies can back me up on this if they want. A fat girl goes through a lot just in day to day life. They are inundated with all of these images of what the world wants and none of those images are people like her. It's a cruelty they deal with all the time and chances are they are going to have a lot of first time apprehension with you.

So how do you pay a compliment to her that's from your heart and have her believe you? You can't. You can tell her how amazing you think she is. Her beauty, her smile, her intelligence, the way she wears her hair, any of that Joe Smooth shit. Even if it comes straight out of your heart and through your chest, It is she who has to decide to believe you or not believe you. If she believes you, RIGHT ON! If she does NOT believe you, don't worry about it, just smile and tell her that it's ok for her to feel that way, but you are still going to think she's amazing.

Time is the test on the truth of this statement.

Take her to meet your friends and your family. If you think they are going to be pricks to her, just tell her straight up honestly. Better to be honest with her than to have one of your "good buddies" emotionally punch her in the stomach. Same thing with family. This is assuming of course that in spite of your better judgment, you kept such people around. You do realize that a declaration of being an FA sets YOU up as a target to your friends and family.... if they are cold blooded. They are not going to change.

You are changing, whether you realize it or not.

Your priorities are shifting in another direction. One nobody could have predicted for you. Even if this relationship you declared yourself an FA doesn't work out (Not all relationships work out), at least you know what you are now, and you know what you want. You have discovered your real friends and the family members that stick with you are your real family indeed, not just people you have DNA in common with.

Being an FA means accepting a lot of things you can't change. Things like personal choices and peoples reactions and how they deal with you. You can't make their choices, they have to make their choices and if their choices are poor ones, accept them for those choices and deal with the fallout of those choices accordingly.
Being an FA also means changing a lot of things you can't accept. Flaws in your own personality, how you interact with people, doing something nice for that special fat girl in your life. Make your world an enriched place and you will see notice the quality of people in your life from there on in. Personal expectation, man, accept no substitutes.

Demand of yourself, work hard to achieve what you desire, enjoy the fruits of your labor. It is this that makes being an FA not just a personal choice, but rather, a way of life!

Many wishes for your success, guys. You are now learning and in time, it will be you passing on all you have learned onto other guys who are trying to incorporate what they feel into being a part of their life. My hope is that you are as strong willed as I am.

Accept no substitutes.

Pounding on the closet door.

2008-08-22T21:27:00.000-05:00

Any fat girl that's been fucked and then dumped knows how it feels. The guy just wanted to get his nuts off on her because he's attracted to her.... but doesn't have the balls to be 'with" her. He's afraid to introduce a fat girl to his friends, his family, his homies in the street. Nope, none of that shit. He's afraid that they'll tease him, fuck with him, make jokes, talk all kinds of shit.

So he'll just fuck fat girls on the sly..... nobody's gotta know. Except her.

Fuckin' little bitch closet cases are easily the lowest form of life I can think of. They're even lower than trolls and haters because at least trolls and haters are honest about how they feel. Closet cases are different. They let this feeliing of attraction and fear eat them up inside. They will indulge their selfish desires with all of their fake-ass kind words, pick up lines, charm, all the shit needed to get any girl to talk to them. But they NEED fat girls because dammit, that's what they want. It's like they can't get hard with other women.

So the magical moment arrives and the closet case sees his quarry all naked in front of him. She's thinking this is great because he sees her and he isn't laughing or running away. They fuck, and that's it. Next thing you know, he's grabbing for his clothes talking about "A Thing" he had to go do. This stupid fucker is thinking he's making a clean get away and she's thinking "What did I do wrong?"

Girl, you did absolutly nothing wrong.

The closet case is like this. This is what they do. Boys, we need to end this shit right now. No, I'm not fucking around, THIS HAS TO END. If you are a closet case and have no intention of quitting..... don't worry your ass none, I'm gonna deal with you in a minute. Just keep reading.

To my real Fat Girl Admirers out there, listen up because this concerns you. Too many fat girls think we're a myth. That we exist only on the internet. They're right. I don't give a fuck if you're the only Fat Admirer in your town, you better make yourself recognized. Make a fuckin' shirt, that's what I did. Photoshop, a printer and transferpaper. Do it real OG style. Be known!

Yeah, assholes are probobly gonna talk mad shit behind your back. You know what though, you find out who your real friends are. Your real friends may not be into fat women the way you are, but that's ok, because they make you happy. Real friends don't have to talk shit and laugh and make jokes. If they do, tell them they're stepping on your dick, you don't appreciate it and that it would be kind of them to please quit it. Be very serious about the shit, because you are, aren't you?

Be ready to take an ass whipping over the shit if needs be. Real FA's are fucking loyal. They don't cower and cry like an ass whipped prostitot (yeah: pro-sti-tot. Synful Dame gave me a word!).

Real FA's stand up straight and look those hating fools in their eye. If they got fear, they aint showing it, they aint backing down and they sure as fuck aint running away. If you want to earn a fat girls respect, you have to earn respect for yourself first. Well? You gonna be a coward or are you gonna be a REAL MAN? That shit is on you.

A real FA will take his fat girl anywhere she wants to go. If she wants to meet your friends, your family, your homies in the street. It don't matter. All you gotta say is "Alright, let's go!" And the first one of those motherfuckers that says a GOD DAMN THING you better be all up in their kool aid ready to defend some fucking honor. (I got the Kool Aid thing from BBWOlivia, I love you girl!)

Being an FA is hard. I'm not gonna lie to you guys. I respect each and everyone of you who have the courage to stand up publicly with his fat girl (or fat girlS like my homyboy Hans, What up G!) and be proud of who he is and what he stands for. Being an FA can be a trial by fire at times, and I would have it no other way.

Boys, fat girls do not have it easy. We all know this. Attached to them is a social stigma of shame that they fight like nobody's fucking business. People ask me why I am in AWE of BBW webmodels.... THIS is why. They're out there showing the world just how beautiful Big Beautiful Women can be. They deserve nothing but the finest that Men have to offer. WE ARE IT! If you can't take being an FA then get your weak fuckin' ass out of my sight. If being an FA was easy, Closet cases would have an easier time.

Ok you closet case bitches, read up good because this concerns YOU.

To all the ladies reading this. That have read what I believe that an FA should stand for. That an FA ought to be willing to be at your side always, in private and alone or out in front of a hundred thousand + a million people. To hold your hand. To hug you. To kiss you. Free of fear and judgement.

ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!

If a guy you just met wants to take you to dinner, pick the busiest resturant in town. Not the most expensive.....Expensive resturants are expensive for a reason. Price is crowd control. No, he needs to show you that he's willing to go to the busiest resturant, where there could be people that KNOW him and would SEE him with a FAT GIRL. If he refuses, tell him to go the fuck home.

Ask him if he would like to invite some friends over to hang out. No, it's not a sign to him that you want a gang-bang. It's a test to see if he's willing to be seen holding hands, hugging and showing affection to you. If he fails THIS test, tell him to get the fuck on out of your business.

And let him know that you would be interested in meeting his family. Family is tricky because not everybody is fond of their families, but if he takes you to meet his folks, brothers and sisters, he could very well be the real deal.

Sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it fellas? Yeah, closet cases sure have not made things easy for us, now have they? No, they have not. So if you know a guy in the closet, tell him to get on out or his shit's fucked. He's already pissing your action. If you run with an asshole, you're an asshole by proxy. Women don't give shit, and they shouldn't. A real man can stand alone, A real FA can stand for what he believes is right. Fellas, do the right thing.

So, Closet Cases..... your shit's pretty fucked now! This is only a blog read by a few people. But the idea is out there, it exists. It's a manifest to fat girls and their admirers. Your crap aint gonna get anything except wasted money on bullshit drinks and idol conversation. People talk. MY PEOPLE TALK. They talk to everybody, and everybody talks to anybody that will listen. So let this information resound through our community and become a part of our culture!

Even the shy fat girls that closet cases think would be an easy target. Ladies, I don't give a fuck how lonely you feel, Make that motherfucker walk that mile and if he doesn't, diss-miss him. A lonely heart isn't broken and fucked up. Be greatful for that.

"An owner of a lonely heart is much better than an owner of a broken heart."- Yes

Real FA's are out there. I have an expectation of them no less than what I expect of myself. I can tell you all with no shame that I am happy with the person that I am, and I will continue to be the Fat Girl Admirer that I've always wanted to be.
You all should do the same.

What's to gain?

2008-08-20T15:39:00.002-05:00

I remember talking to a model friend of mine and she told me about something that bothered me as an admierer of Big Women. She told me she wanted to do a diet program, but was worried if her fans found out about it, they wouldn't be fans anymore. We talked about this at great length and I told her that her health comes first and she needed to do what she felt was right.

She made the right decesion.

I've been thinking about that lately. Now I know there are gainers and feeders and feedies and I know how they are different than foodies. I've been trying to understand as much as I can about the topic before I went and stuck my foot in my mouth about it. Being honest doesn't always make me right. I wanted to have as many of the facts in order as I could to make an honest decesion about how I feel towards the whole topic because the one thing I learned about this is that it's a VERY sensitive issue.

And I have the compassionate capabilities of Edward Sicissorhands.... so here goes....

I told my friend how I felt about her going on a diet to lose some of her weight and become a bit more healthy. I have had concerns with her because of other issues, some weight realated for sure, some may or may not be weight related. Nevertheless, I was concerned. I told her that if she was going to do this, that she would do it for herself. She didn't have to tell anybody.

I told her this because I know how irrational some people in this community can be towards the mere idea of weight loss.
"What? she want's to lose weight? That's a damn shame. She's a traitor! TRAITOR!"
Believe it boys and girls, there are people who act like this. I used to be one of those people. It took a good friend to tell me that even if she lost a hundred pounds, she would STILL be a hundred pounds overweight. For her, she wasn't aiming to lose that much and even if she did, big deal. She didn't care about losing the weight, she just wated to feel healthy again.

And that is when the light went on in my head. I realized that it doesn't matter how sexy a girl looks when she's fat, it means absolutly nothing if she's not healthy. And everybody is different. Some girls feel sluggish at 250, some are well over 400 and keep moving along like nobodies business. Each person is different and that is the important key factor to remember here.

As I accepted this ideology more, I've come to accept a lot of other things as well. Not just weight issues, but social issues as well. We accept our own size, Why can't we accept smaller sizes? Why do some of us have to hate on skinnies? Skinny people either can't help being skinny, or they choose to be skinny for their own reasons. They shouldn't be hated for it. So what the world caters to them more? Maybe they're easier to work with. I do know that there are a lot of skinny people out there on our side and would like to help us out if they could. They think the best way to do that is by helping us become skinny ourselves.

This is where my feelings change.

I like being a big fat guy. I like it because it does give me a sense of power. It's amazing what my size and a crazy look can get me, and get me out of. But because I like it, I have to accept certain things about it. It costs me more to fly, furniture doesn't hold me, Little kids don't know when to shut the fuck up (yeah, I said it). It does suck, but I'm learning to dust that shit off because it is THE WORLD that expects ME to conform to IT. That's just how it is. The world isn't going to bow to me no matter how much I want it to. The reality as a fat person is that there are certain things we simply must accept and no matter what we do about it, these things will continue to be the way that are because that's the way they've always been.

I say this becase there are those who wish to gain weight. They want to be what I am. Big and powerfull looking, or grand and beautiful if there is a more feminine perspective to be had. They want to have bodies that are soft and have the curves and folds of flesh that as a fat person, I can tell you I've come to appreciate. There is a warning involved and I'm sure they've heard it all before. Health risks, social risks and even possible psycological trauma. Hey, being fat means you gotta be tough because people WILL pick on you any chance they get. And you can't always get in their face about it. Lord knows if I did, I would be in fuckin' prison for all of the physical assaults I'd be guilty of.

But ultimately though, it is health I concern myself with. I know I could be healthier. I'm sure all of our doctors want us at peak conditioning. But they live in their own worlds... and we live in ours. For the most part, I am healthy. I may not be in 10 years and I may regret not taking care of myself better. Again, another consequence to the choice I have made for myself. I can choose at anytime to get up and go for a walk instead of sitting at this computer hammering out these words. A walk wouldn't hurt, it would get me out of the house, give my couch a break from my fat ass and I would get some blood flowing through my body. From what I understand, that's a GOOD thing. Also, it would help me with my stamina and because blood is so important to erections, I could probobly pop a fantastic boner later!

But that's just me.

People can choose what they want to do and how they want to do it. This is what it all comes down to: Choice. If a web model decides to go on a diet for her own sake, it is her decesion. If her fans find out she is on a diet, they can choose to be loyal or choose to find another model who isn't the same, but isn't on a diet. If they choose to be loyal though, they have to respect her decesion and respect her by not being such a subversive prick about the whole thing. Don't even think of sabotaging her physicaly by feeding her stuff she doesn't need or mentally by telling her she's selling out or being a traitor or even that her losing weight is a shame. That's unacceptable behavior! If you behave like this.... KNOCK IT OFF!

I love my fat girls. And my fat boys are good guys. I want them to be around as long as I am around. I don't wanna die. I don't expect to live forever, but I want to have a quality standard of life tempered with my comfort zone. These factors render me overweight and fat, a little out of shape, but still functional to an average degree of usefulness. I don't eat like Michael Phelps, but I don't function like him either. I don't hold 8 gold medals in swimming.

We are all responsible for our own decesions. Some of our decesions are ours alone, and others affect the people we love most. When it comes to weight, you just have to do what makes you happy and if it changes, you change along with it if you wish to survive. Nobody want's to be the person immobile on their bed and need Search and Rescue to chop them out of their fucking house to take them to the god damn hospital. Nobody wants to be creamated in their house like Big Mamma in the movie What's Eating Gilbert Grape? So let's NONE of us end up like that. Ok? PLEASE????

If we show outer society we are worthy of respect, MAYBE they will give it to us.

Positivly Pissed Off.

2008-08-19T16:36:00.000-05:00

I have to write something. I have to put something here in this blog. It's an expectation I have of myself as a person. "But you write so negativly.... why can't you be more positive?" People ask me. I don't know why. For the past several days I've really been trying to think of something poisitive but it's only when someone is yanking me around by my fucking chain do I feel the need to write.

What I put down here is rehabilitation for someone who carries an unimaginable amount of anger. The Incredible Hulk once told me "Dude, you have serious issues in which you need the services of trained professionals. You need to get over this.... now stop smashing, that's my job.". Writing has always been an avenue in which I could safely work out whatever it is I'm feeling. Well, when I'm in a good mood, I don't want to waste my time WRITING about it, I want to enjoy it!

So this is therapy for me. This is me not beating my manager in the head with a double-ended dildo when she tells me she's going to be late in picking up my shift. No, no, I'm not going to get into the story or even why I am as agitated as I am because there are too many facets to the story to which nobody really gives a fuck. Suffice to say that it just comes down to me being the fuckin' man, sucking it up and fucking dealing with it.

Oh, but I shouldn't be angry about it. Fuck that. My writing is my way of throwing a chair at life! This is where I let go of my aggression and my hate because there is no other way for me to do it. Can't draw someone getting smashed in the face with a butt plug..... but I can write about it. I can write about how irritating porn sounds when you're not jacking off to it. When all you hear all day is a guy telling another guy to cum all over the back of his nutsack.... You really wonder why you haven't just totally given up and checked yourself in to the local Loony Bin.

I write this shit because I know there are people out there that can identify with what I'm saying. Maybe not EXACTLY everything, but enough to say "Holy Shit! I know what that's like!". I'm not out to give everybody a fucking flower and tell them that everything is going to be all right. I can and maybe someday I will, it can't rain all the time. But untill that sunny day, It's raining blood from a lacerated sky. I am a Devil for a reason. It's not because i choose to see the negativity in life, it's because the negativity sees me.... and it wants me like I want a fat juicy ass to bite, not too hard, but not delicately either. Teeth marks are sexy!

And so what if my negativity turns some people off? Good, get the fuck outta here. I don't want to spill my feelings before a bunch of uptight pricks that don't really give a shit. This isn't chicken soup for the soul, motherfucker. I'm a complex person with complex feelings. People want to see what I have to say and I have a lot of shit to say. It isn't always good, but the good news is I treat shitty situations like shit so at least there's SOMETHING positive about it. that's how I write, that's who I am. If there's something I'm happy about, I'll write about it. But I've always used writing as a release, so to that end there is going to be a lot of feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness tempered with cynicisim, sarcasm and even a bit of irony to laugh at.

This isn't about feeling good about yourself, this is about saying FUCK YEAH to. If you want to feel good, take your ass to a romantic comedy. Chub Rub, by nature, is irritating. I'm irritated, and more often than not.... I'M MAD!

Will you guys PLEASE stop putting your dicks in my face!

2008-08-13T18:00:00.002-05:00

Fella's the word is out, you have a penis. We get it, so why you gotta put your floppy cock in my face? That's just rude. I notice this shit all the time at adult forums. Guys avatar A penis.... Don't know if it's THEIR penis and I personally don't care. Dicks don't impress me.... except for that one Yogi in the out takes of Jackass#2 where he rolled his gear up around a stick and let Steve O stand on it. I can't do that with my dick, and I don't really want to. Other than that though, guys, The ladies are not impressed. They just arent wired to visual stimuli like we are. Some maybe, most, probobly not.

See, first of all, like I said, we don't know if its YOUR dick. It could be a cock shot of John Holmes or some shit, cropped, copied and pasted to an avatar and you expect us to believe that's your wang? Get the fuck outta here with that shit! Nobody's buying it. Yeah, EVERY GUY has a big dick. Let's ask some of thier ex girlfriends!
That fucker could fuck a Cheerio without breaking it!
And now the truth is revealed.

What are these dick danglers hoping to prove anyway? Even if a girl does go for it and even if the picture is true to life.... Big fucking deal! Guess what? You're still a douchebag, congratulations.

Don't expect sympathy from me!

2008-08-11T15:20:00.001-05:00

Every so often, I'll put different words into a search engine and see what comes back. Words like "Fat" and "Chubby" and the ever popular "Fatties". Sometimes they hit on something good, most often though, the case is completely different. Then one day, a friend of mine tells me about something posted at Perez Hilton's blog. Yeah, ok, whatever. Fat joke, har har, Cheetos and fat chicks eating Cheetos and Cheetos ad on Fat ladies ass. Yeah, that's......... classic.

Then I read the comments from the peanut gallery and saw some of the most insipd, hateful shit ever written. I mean this shit is so bad it was laughable. Basicly everybody saying how the picture made them sick. So what the fuck they want? Some Pepto Bismal or some shit? Fat people make obnoxious people puke, ok, I got it, fine. But then I started thinking about it, if that's true... then fuck'em. I don't care if they get sick or not, just like they don't care how their careless and rude comments effect other people.

Hey Fatty, go be fat someplace else.
Hey Asshole, go be an asshole someplace else.

Basicly all fat jokes and hatefull comments are the mark of people that have no creativity or imagination. They think of something witty to say, but it is easily cookie cut to demean pretty much everybody. Why we laugh at such shit, I'll never know. I do know I laugh at a lot of shit that isn't funny. I laugh at a fat joke just as I'll laugh at a joke that demeans any other human being, religion, race or culture. I laugh because it's inappropriate. I laugh because it has no style or class. I laugh at how terribly awful it is. I laught AT the person telling the joke.

That's where the humor is! Look at them! They're young, stupid and totally full of themselves. They have never been slapped down by life, and we have learned that life slaps everybody down. Even celebrities. Just because they can afford high end defense attorneys doesn't mean that they do not live the rest of their lives without sullied reputations. In their world, that's worse than death.

So these haters, they can say whatever the fuck they want and I'm not going to stop them for two reasons:
1) Freedom of speech. I love being able to say what I want to who I want whenever the fuck I want. As long as I have free speech, nobodies gonna shut me up! Don't like what I'm saying? Deal with it, motherfucker! You know what though, a lot of people out there have points of view that I strongly oppose. They'ye going to say whatever they want. They price I pay for my freedom of speech is enduring what some other shit stain has to say. I don't have to like it, but I do have to tolerate it or our personal liberties begin to erode away.

2) We kind of set ourselves up for the shit. This is the one that hits close to home and why a lot of people in the size acceptance movement don't like me. If you are a fat person and you have your picture taken while eating a cheeseburger and you post that picture on the internet, before you press "send" you better ask yourself this question... "If some asshole where to get their hands on this picture..... could it be made as a weapon of insult?" You don't think so and hit send. Next week you see your picture up and it has a caption "Fatty cans have another cheeze burger nao!" or some idiot shit like that. How mad can you get? It hurts. It hurts damn bad. What are you going to do though? Take it to Judge Judy? Gonna cry about it?

Cat's out of the bag, friend. No matter what happens now, it's out there. Remember Star Wars Kid? How the fuck he never killed himself is beyond me. I mean they fucked that kid up! I think that whoever posted that ought to pay that kid a dollar of their own money everytime someone pushed play. But, it didn't work out like that. You know what though, he's the motherfucking Star Wars Kid.... I defy anyone to try and insult him now! You can't, he's a cultrual icon. He didn't want to be, but he is. If I were him, I'd take that power and fucking use it!

Everybody is both criminal and victim on the internet. There is no innocence, just varying degrees of guilt. We have all laughed at something inappropriate. Yes we have. What's fine to you is an insult to someone else. The odds favor that reasoning given how many people look at the internet. So why waste your time getting mad about it? Getting mad only shows that they cut you deeply emotionally. Fuck them, I wear my scars an the inside. People see my wounds in who and what I laugh at.

I laugh at shit that isn't funny...to them. They like to laugh at cruel fat jokes, so why should I be considerate of them? Because if I were it would make it a wonderful world? WAKE UP! If the forest is on fire, you don't reason with the flames. It's not going to happen. Same thing is true with pop culture and media. They cannot be reasoned with. They do not understand the concept of reason, they only understand that which can be quickly consumed and easily disposed of. So, as is the case of a forest fire, sometimes the ony way to fight fire is with fire.

An eye for an eye will leave the world blind. So what? If everyone is blind, they cannot be offended by what they can no longer see. If everybody is blind then a lesson has been learned.... it is better to see and be seen. Until that lesson is learned, somone is always going to try and poke us in the eye. Why should we be the only ones wearing a patch?

Fight back. That's why it's so easy to pick on fat people. We let them! All we do is cry about it and then somone like me comes along and says "Fuck you" the rest of the community starts in with "you're not helping our cause any."

You know what? Fuck your cause! It's stalled. It's stagnated. It isn't doing shit except making us weaker by turning us into a bunch of fucking pansys. Fuck them and if you don't like it, FUCK YOU TOO! I'll take the war of the words to their level, I'm not afraid. We're fat, what the fuck can they say to us that will hurt our feelings? We've heard it all before. We have to stop with this stupid fucking notion that they cannot pick on us and we should not have to endure it.

No, I'm not even hearing that. What I'm saying is that we put it in their face. If they don't like it, they can deal with the same shitty feelings we've been feeling our whole fucking lives. It hurts and we've been holding it in for too long. Has it helped us? Has their public shaming of us helped us? Has their jokes helped us? Has their back handed comments helped us? Does anything thet say or do HELP US?

NO!

So fuck em'! We have our own standards. We have our own culture. We have our own heros. We have our own pride. We have our own community. We have our own supporters, We have our own rules.... And we should have our own god damned attitude. Fat Cheetos ladies make you shallow and obnoxious assholes puke?
Well GOOD, MOTHERFUCKER!
PUKE!
Puke you piece of shit!
Puke your fucking guts out!
Puke through your fucking nose!
Puke until it hurts!
Puke until you bleed!
Puke until you fucking DIE you weak pices of shit!

Don't expect sympathy from me though. Nope. Your asses should have thought about all that shit before you talked all nasty. I'm gonna sit back, drink me a root beer, eat some Cheetos off a fat girls ass and have a good ol' time.

Remember, fat people are fucking jolly.

The Olympics.

2008-08-09T22:34:00.001-05:00

I'm not a huge fan of the Olympics. I mean I'm not much of a sports fan in general, but the Olympics is when a lot of nut-jobs come out of the woodwork. Coming out to cheer their favorite nation on. Some are patriotic, but people like me, Well, we cheer for the people that have the heart. I really don't give a fuck about the sports themselves. I care about the athlete's stories, where they came from, their struggles and trials and tribulations.... then if they win a bronz or a silver medal, I wonder what they're going to do for the rest of their lives.

People just are not impressed with silver and bronz. It only means you should have tried harder.

I know that's cold blooded and anyone who has one of those medals worked a hell of a lot harder for what they did than I ever will. For that they have my respect, but you know that they're thinking the same thing, who are we kidding? And so is everybody else. We live in a gold medal society, what do ya want? I support them in their quest to try harder, lord only knows how hard I try, and I don't get ANY medals for that.

Some of the shit I find fucking hilarious are always the "preformance enhancing" controversies. Are they Steroids? Are they legal? Who fuckin' cares? If they need to take that shit, they aint real athletes, get 'em the fuck outta here. Seriously, some people train their whole lives and owe everything they have to training and good wholsome living. Then some asshole comes along with Brute Tinyballs Performance Enhancers or some shit and develop into some kind of an animal that kind of resembles a human if a human was hopped up on steroids. Then they get kicked out and everybody is all "and the world is shocked..."
bullshit, the world is having a mighty fune chuckle at that dumbasses expense. Way to fuck shit up, needledick.

The Olympics have become what so many other sporting events have become, advertising orgies. Everybody wants in on that shit. The entire world is a stage. One city gets to be the center of a gangbang that's held every four years. They think that it's gonna be great because they're gonna be getting these big bucks from all this ad revenue and tourisim. Yeah, but what they don't realize is you have to clean that spunk up. Look what their left with, All of these "Olympic Arenas" and other shit that in 4 years time, is going to fall into disrepair because no one can be bothered to fuck with it because nobody cares. I dunno, that's like dropping a load in somone's eye, it sounds like a good idea.... it it aint YOUR eye. The people of these cities still have to live there, and now they have all of this shit built specificly for the olympics, and then after the olympics are over..................... that's the end of the paragraph.

I know the olympics are always going to be a testament to the thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat. That's fine for what you're into. For me, it's all the more reason to surf for internet porn. There's really nothing else going on, and idle hands are the Devil's workshop.

Synful Dame

2008-08-06T13:31:00.003-05:00

When I say I got a lot out of Vegas last month, one of the things I meant was getting to meet Synful Dame. Before I met her, I knew who she was and seen her picture comps and was really kind of impressed with her style. Then I got to meet her and she is every single bit as expressive as any of her pictures!

In the first 5 minutes of meeting her, I knew we were going to get along. She's got an attitude I admire in that she's in it to win it. She's going to do what she wants to do and how she wants to do it and she isn't going to let anyone or anything stop her. I like that! I like that she doesn't compromise herself or her work.

Who inspires you?
Synful: I do...Not too many people inspire me..I have a wild and insane imagination and I feel that if you have that you really don't need inspiration from anything or anyone.
I inspire myself to be me to the fullest and do things MY way..No matter if something like this or that has been done..It will be totally different when I do it because I will have put MY umph into it.

What drives your determination?
Synful: Change..and the vision I have to kick out the "plain" ass photography..When I get comments about how "my look" won't "make it" I simply SCOFF at them folks and go about my business to do whatever the hell I want..I will not accept NO..When I will just do it my damn self.I KNOW what I have is a great and special thing..and just because you may not be ready to accept it doesn't mean I'm not going to bring it.

It's obvious you take great pride in your work, what do you hope people get from you and your site?
Synful: I want people to get FEELINGS..More then turned on and horny..I want to shock and ALL you.I want to scare you .make you laugh and show ART.I want to change they way people see EVERYTHING that is "beauty".

What's the future for Synful Dame?
Synful: My future is to live and learn..Grow and get BIGGER at what I do..There is this whole amazing "BBW modeling scene" but there isn't really a solid home for the "ALTERNATIVE" styled BBW..or the tattooed and pierced BBW..Fuck that little one tattoo here one there..I want to see heavily modified plus size women taking over the world.Modeling has always been a Art..When so many people are doing the same lame shit over and over and over it takes the essence of Art away...No ones even trying to be different because all they are worried about is being more sex then whomever did it before them.

I will be changing that..The longer it takes the better it will be.I am not alone in this and you know people with ink can kick your ass..So add that and us all being big folks and you can see why I know we WILL be taking the world over.

I love this girl! I mean it. She has a drive and a determination that I believe is necessary to get to the top of this business. There are people you meet in the world that you think to yourself "This motherfucker's gonna take this shit to a whole new level!".... Synful Dame is definently one of those people. If she can take us to that new level, she will be an important visionary in BBW Webmodeling and whatever else evolves from it. I am a believer. I can't think of anything that CAN stop her. She's going to kick the worlds ass, and they ARE going to know her name!

Really stupid people.

2008-08-05T13:13:00.001-05:00

One of my biggest pet peeves in life is stupid people. It goes beyond a peeve actually. It's more of deeply seeded hatred. It's true, I try to be tolerant of all kinds of people, certainly patient with them, but stupid people...... I can't. I can't even feel sorry for them.
Case in point:
I go into a chatroom, just to see whats going on. I wasn't planning on a real long visit, just in "hello/goodbye" type thing. First thing I'm greeted with is "Hey look, it's the resident Jizz Mopper!" like he knew who I was! Now, it's true, I work in an adult bookstore that has preview booths and it is true I mop the floors. But who the fuck was THAT guy to address me like that? Normally I'd just let that shit slide because my job is kind of gross (ok really gross). But I only let that shit slide with my friends, or at the very least people who know me well enough to know I'm ok with them.

But this guy? He's never even said four words to me before this. Not even so much as "Hi, what's your name?". Just cracks off this comment like we were best friends for years. I've known this fucker less than 10 seconds. Now, I know a lot of you are probobly saying "dude, just let it go." but I have to tell you about a personal issue I have with respect. See, I'm a respect oriented kind of person. It's like the Samurai code of honor. All you get in this world that really means anything is respect. You either have it and are a decent person, or you do not have and you're a complete scumbag.

This guy was clearly a scumbag.

Now, I know my job isn't the most honorable. It certainly isn't nobel. It's not glamorus. It's not anything to brag about. I do my job because I get to work alone. I get to work at my own pace. And because there can be a lot of downtime, I can bring in my computer and write or just fuck around on the internet since I also own the internet feed into the building. Getting paid to play on the computer, and all I have to do is mop a dirty floor. Now don't you wish you had my job. There are other things my job entails, but it's mostly working a register and so much boring paper work, but a jobs a job, it pay the rent, it pays for trips to Vegas and naked titty pool parties.

Back to the story. I stop what I'm doing and get into it with this guy about how talking that kind of shit is rude. He's just trying to play it off as some kind a joke and how it was somehow MY fault I didn't understand his little joke. Ok, let's just stop right here for a second, if he would have just said "Whoa, hey pal, sorry, I didn't know it was such a sore spot for ya..." this whole thing would have been over.. Bang, done. I would have let it go and been on my way.

Some people just can't be like that though.

He persisted on how it's everybody elses fault that they don't understand him. Eventually it got to a point where I didn't even give a shit about an applogy anymore, it would have been an insincere piece of shit. Turns out he was being mighty rude to a girl already in the chat room before I showed up. Now all I wanted was an applogy to her. Fucker STILL wouldn't applogize for being a complete and total fucking asshole! Can you believe this shit? Even when told by a moderator in the room he should applogize..... he wouldn't do it.

Asshole ended up getting banned from the chat for being a rude prick and that's just fine with me, but the whole thing still leaves a terrible taste in my mouth. People who are without respect and too stubborn to admit they said the absolute wrong thing are easily some of the stupidest people with air in their lungs. Sometimes the difference between smart and stuipid is a simple "I'm Sorry".

My speaking heart.

2008-08-02T17:04:00.000-05:00

I never really understood people. I still don't. I know that there are people out there that do stupid things for stupid reasons. Some troll, some stir up drama, some lie their asses off thinking it'll get them something in life. The ones I can't stand are these phoney asshole douche bags that think they're on a personal mission from god or some shit. You know the kind, head up their own ass telling you what they think is right, or how you should act or out and out lying about you in general.

People like that need glass stomachs. History is full of them. One of my favorites was Jerry Falwell. Oh he was a miserable bastard because he wanted everyone to think he was working for the lord. Then he took on Larry Flynt and made the biggest mistake of his life. Larry Flynt is a guy I admire and respect because he knows what's real. He's lived real. The fucker can't walk because he STOOD UP for what he believed in, and that was for OUR right to say what we felt.

Falwell took Flynt to court over some bullshit ad... and lost. The ad wasn't real, it was satire. Falwell got bent out of shape because the ad was offensive to him and his family. So what? Big fucking deal. Hurt feelings are a part of life. Had Flynt made an untrue accusation towards Falwell though, things would have turned out different, but they didn't.

So where is this going? It's going here.
People can say what they want about us. If it isn't true, then it's just their opinion and if their opinion sucks, so do they. If they think it's true, they better have some mighty compelling evidence otherwise it's Slander or Libel if it is written. So really, if all they are saying is untrue, why should we give a shit? Because it makes us look bad? So fucking what? If it isn't true, the proof is in the pudding. If what some asshole says isn't true, people are going to see the truth because we all know the truth can never be totally hidden. The more they try to hide the truth, the more it is seen.

Same thing with Trolls. They have nothing better to do with their time, and are too self loathing to give compliments, they have to go out and try to ruin everybody else's day. There is nothing more pathetic in life than a person who has to tease others because they can't stand who they see in the mirror. They hope that by being insulting they can make that person go away, but that person only becomes more and more their reflection.

These self righteous, ignorant, stupid, lazy and worthless people exist. There is nothing we can do about them. We ignore one, 2 crop up in their place. We ban one from a message board, another one steps right in after him. Depressing, but here's the good news.....
They got NOTHING! They have no offical power, they have no magic, they have nothing to make them better. They can make all the claims that they want but that is how the Internet is the great equalizer, on the internet, we are only as good as our personalities allow us to be.

That means it doesn't matter if you have a high paying job, house in Beverly Hills and a hollowed out hill for a garage filled with Italian sports cars... if your personality is dog shit, you're dog shit. Same thing for the guy that can barley afford the payments on his second hand computer and dial-up connection to the internet. He aint got shit, but if his personality is gold, he's gold.

The point is no matter how hard these haters or trolls or drama students try to make you feel like shit, the people who know you know the truth. They know who you are, they know what you're about and they know that those fuckers talking all those lies are just stupid fucks that got such shitty crap for lives, or delusional feeling of superiority... that quite frankly they look insane.

So if these fuckers get you down, don't let them. The truth is the truth and honesty is your best policy. If you laugh at their feeble attempts at trying to control your mind through negative reenforcement, well, I would like to join you in a laugh at their expense, HA HA HA! I love you all. Take this and hold dear to it because this is how I preceive the truth. We are stronger than we believe and more loved than we could ever know.

The importance of self expression and compliments

2008-08-01T19:34:00.002-05:00

We live in a time where people can express themselves as freely as they choose. It wasn't always like that. Back in the day, women weren't allowed to do shit except cook, clean, squirt out babies and stifle themselves. How boring. I like women who are expressive. I like women who are proud of who they are and are not afraid to work for everything they get. They deserve it. It's safe to say that I completely believe in equal rights.

So, I think it's important that men compliment women. I don't want to live in a pussified society where men have lost the balls to tell a girl that he thinks she's beautiful out of fear of some kind of over imagined bullshit. What are we afraid of fellas? They're gonna slap us? They're gonna charge us with sexual harassment? Well, if you roll up on them and say some stupid shit like "Hey Baby, Nice Tits!" then you ought to be slapped for being unimaginitive. Complimenting a woman is easy if you know how to do it.

See, to compliment a woman, you have to think as they think. Sounds gay? For some of you machismo fucks out there, yes it is, go rub your dick in your car, cry and then shut the fuck up. For the guys who are sincere and really do want to compliment, no it's not gay and even if it were, who gives a shit? Anyways, You have to find what it is exactly you find attractive. Hair color, eye color, her smile, her personality, these things are easy. All you have to say is:
"Excuse me miss, but I just wanted to tell you that I like your hair." or
"May I say that you have the most beautiful eyes." or
"I love how you smile, it's pretty" or
"You make my day better just by being around."
and that's all there is to it.

But lets say you do find her physically attractive. Ah, this is where the harassment suits come in! Not always. Like I said, you just gotta do it right. If you think a girl has a nice ass or nice boobs or whatever else, you compliment what she's wearing. I would wait untill you've broken the ice first before you start with these compliment though. If taken in the wrong context, they come off as cheesy and a bit of a turn off. In the right context though, it shows you are paying attention to detail.

And even if she thinks your crazy, or even a greasy slimball who only wants to get in her pants, at least you tried. Standing there like an old shoe isn't going to answer the question in your head and will bother you the rest of the day "What if?"
What if I had said something?
What if I told her that I like the way she turns her newspaper?
What if I told her that her earings caught my eye?
What if I told her that what she was wearing really brought out her eye color?
Yeah, "What if" will drive you insane.

Even if it ends in catastrophy, don't give up on being a compliment type person. Just because one person is the grand prize winner in the psychotic paranoia lottery, doesn't mean that there is no one out there who could use a little bit of cheer for their style.

Compliments are a form of self expression, much like how we dress is a form of self expression. We either dress to be noticed or we dress to hide in the crowd. We compliment what we see, or what we respond positivly too. These are actions and reactions. If you dress to hide in the crowd, don't expect much from anyone. If you try not to blend in though, if you have a style that is all your own, Then there ought to be a compliment out there for you, and I think the person with that compliment ought to break through the barrier of silence and anonymity and speak up. This may be your only chance, so make it count.

Bio-hazard

2008-07-30T21:11:00.006-05:00

I know Synful Dame's favorite Beer is Pabst Blue Ribbon.

I know Audrey's favorite author is Kurt Vonnegut.

I know Tobey's favorite colors are Green & Black.

I know Veronica Likes the movies Grease and Gidget

How do i know these things? Am I some kind of fucked up internet stalker?
No.
I know these things because they themselves told me. You learn a lot from reading the BIOs pages, boys. See, I happen to know that all women...ALL WOMEN like men who pay attention to details. Even the smallest detail. The models fill out these things on their sites and there you have it, instant conversation. Webmodels are not difficult to talk to. They're people and they really do like interacting with us. Yeah, some of them have boyfriends and hell, some of them are even married, but so what?

I talk to webmodels all the time. Some of my best friends in the world are webmodels who are married. I can't understand why some guys are like "She's married, can't join her site!"... Would you get over yourself please? You know she's hot and you know you want to look, so look! Her husband doesn't mind! What, it ruins your fantasy? YOu have some mighty specific fuck fantasies! Seriously, get over yourself.

What I could never understand are the fanboys who freak out and turn on their favorites. They can't get free pics and all of the suddent that the model they loved so much is some kind of a tramp or whore or some silly shit like that. Is this guy fucking serious? If it is one rule a fanboy should never break is the begging of free content! C'mon! That's not even respectful to ask! Fact is if a girl wants to give someone a freebie, she will. I will tell you this and I can tell you from experience that what these girls do takes a lot of time and a hell of a lot of work. So for us fannies to just up and say "Can I have a free pic?" is just kind of a slap in the face to them. Come on fella's, you wouldn't do work for your boss if you weren't on the clock, right?

Boys, I'm writing this as a service to you. I'm writing this because I'm sick of hearing stories of "fanboys gone bad" or just idiot assholes in general. Many of us are good boys and that's awesome. They dig the guys that are appreciative and take the time to look at ALL the photos in a set and notice the little subtleties, or will read the bio and will flirt with SOME kind of idea of what she would like... or NOT like. It makes for a more enriched experience all around. These girls love what they do and there's a reason for that. They like how WE like it. So be cool to them because they deserve it. Extend them the curtesy of reading their bios and understand that even before you ask the question of getting free content, the answer is GOING to be no. It is the fans who show the appreciation that the girls will really favor. Insensitive pricks and jackass assholes are the ones that can make a model look at them and say "You fail."