Friday, June 12, 2009

Facebook is fucking with me.

Ok, so I had to create a new profile on Facebook. Why? Worlds were colliding. Google George Costanza and "Worlds Colliding" to know what I mean. In this instance, it's my in-laws and friends. It's just weird, ok? I don't know why. The thought of My wife's dad, brother or sister or cousins, aunts and/or uncles just freaks me out. It's not that I'm a closet case, It's not because I'm a flaming liberal, and not because I reject organized religion. So what is it then?

It's nothing. I just like to keep these things separate. Ok, one fear I have is them getting into what I'm doing (whatever it may be) and giving me constant grief about it. They may say they're joking, but sometimes it's hard to tell where the jokes end. I'm totally open with my wife and my side of the family. I'm open with my friends and if you don't know me and just read my blog for shits and giggles, I'm open with you because there is a comfort zone in opening up to complete strangers on the internet.

Please, do not kidnap me and/or kill me.

Undoubtedly, my wife is going to read this blog (which she does from time to time) and she's going to wonder why I feel this way. I wish I had something better to tell her than "I don't know". If it is any consolation to her though, her family isn't the only people I feel this way about.

On Facebook, EVERYBODY seems to be on it and they can find you by name. Since you pretty much have to use your own name, anyone can find you. Ok, so here's when the icy, cold fingers of fear grip my spine. I've seem people on there from my childhood that I don't like. That I can't fucking stand. People who (back in the day) were responsible for building what I consider today, to be my furnace of hate.

I know, I can ignore them. It shouldn't matter to me what they think. Perhaps they've matured. Perhaps they wouldn't recognize me at all. That doesn't make me feel any better though. I got this underlying sense of self-loathing that makes it impossible to be comfortable with certain people. That is something I learned expressly from Facebook.

I don't give a fuck if they stay away from me. That they can see my life from a distance. i just don't want their opinions all up in my world. There is nothing in my life I am ashamed of. I'm happy with the life that I have and I would have it no other way. But, Some people just freak me out. There doesn't have to be a reason for me to be freaked out about it either. If there had to be a reason, I wouldn't be freaked out, now would I?

I don't think so.

I consider myself to be a pretty rational person from time to time, but this is one of those things where I've tried to understand this "fear" and have failed. Is it some deeply seeded thing that goes back to childhood trauma? Not so much because I've also seen childhood friends I haven't seen in almost twenty years that fills me with the same anxiety. Like somewhere between childhood and adulthood, there was a split in my personality and all things from childhood cannot transition to my life as an adult.

If childhood fear walks through that door, it will kill adulthood happiness.

So weather it is my irrational fear of my in-laws invading my life online, or reconnecting with people from my past and having flashbacks to my childhood, one thing is for certain, Facebook is evil. Like a crack addict though, I can't get away from it. Certainly I'm not the only one who feels this way, am I?

1 comment:

Angela said...

I think it's perfectly fine to keep lives separate. I don't think our families should ever know everything about us. I think some things should be left between us. I do hope that you play on continuing both of them like some other people we know. You can have one for family and one for special friends. I love you