Being doubtful of yourself is one of those things that just seems to permeate everything in your life. It forces you to call into question everything you do, say and believe. why does it have to be like that?
For a while now I've been posting at this message board called Dimensions for a while and in the course of posting there I've become known somewhat of a hypocrite and a bit of an asshole, which is fine because I often have conflicting points of view and I tend to be a bit of an asshole from time to time.
Lately though I just have been having this social disconnect in my life. I feel like that I'm this angry, terrible person. It may be because I've been ill, maybe not, Whatever. Point is is that I'm feeling it. I know who my friends are and I know how they feel about me. It's the people who don't know me though that bother me.
See, they THINK they know me, but they have no idea and they think they are qualified to have an opinion of me outside of what they really know. Some of these bitches have never even said word one to me and they think they can break me down and psychoanalyze me and offer up a good solid idea of just who they think I am without ever talking to me.
We've all been through this with people, that's why what I'm about to say should not be any surprise. I really do hope that they either learn what they are talking about, or that they can go eat a bag of infected dicks.
But I can't just localize my feelings to just that. I wish my mind had that shut off valve. it doesn't. It spills over into the world in general. Just how many people out there that are like that? Right even if they are wrong? They know everything, so they believe. If there is a god, these people are proof that he hates us all.
that's why when I see horrible things in the news like a kid shooting up his school or an ex-employee blowing away old colleagues, I wonder just how many of them had it coming. Things like that are never random... not completely.
There's always a list. A list of people we just can't fucking stand and would take great pleasure in seeing them suffer. If you do not have that list, you're probobly on one. Sorry, that's just how life is. We want to think everybody loves us all the time, all the days of our lives. Truth is, there is always going to be that one sone of a bitch that hates you so much that they will piss in your mellow-yellow if given half a chance.
People like me, we've tried to be good little citizens but we have these feelings that are so far from "normal". I don't know why it has to be that way, but it is. We don't think and feel the way others do, we feel things we can't express without sounding crazy. Some draw pictures, some write about it, some write a piece of music. Some hold it all in and let it all explode in a rage of bloody violence.
This is a symptom of the world we live in. To many people think they know everything, not enough of them know when to help, when to shut up, what to say and when to say it. It's a human condition. How can we know. There are so many people, we only get enough time in our lives to only ever figure out one person and that is ourselves. We're expected to be mindful of other people in the world?
In a world inhabited by billions of people, toes are going to get stepped on.
Sometimes I step on toes, sometimes my toes get stepped on. I have to learn not to give a shit when my toes get stepped on. Problem is, I do that then I become a little more careless about other peoples feet. I don't want to, but come on, it's hard to care about other people's pedicures when your own toes are broken, right?
There is no answer to the question of compassion in today's world. We care, we care too much. We let it go, we let too much go. We find a center only to find that center off balances something else. Life is not this simple beauty. It is a complex set of scales that requires balance. problem is one thing balances, it upsets another balance which requires attention, that gets balanced and another thing is offset, and so on down the line.
Peoples feelings are a part of that fragile balance. On one end, you have your own feelings, on the other, you got someone else's and in between you have a set of scales waiting to be upset. Even if you find a happy medium of compromise to your feelings and the feelings of others, you're only going to find that you are upsetting other scales like integrity, hypocrisy, honesty and other related things.
Humans over complicate things, which is the price we pay for having a higher brain function than the animals. We lord over our world with our great intelligence, we have sacrificed simple peace. I noticed this when I got a cat.
My cat doesn't give a shit what I think. My cat cares about being fed, and being loved. That's it. Survival and companionship. Yeah, he's curious as hell, but that's indicative of life and that is a need to explore our world. My cat doesn't need to see a shrink like I do. My cat doesn't write fucking blogs about what kind of a psychotic mess he is. He's a cat, he shits in a box and jumps up on places he knows he shouldn't go.
He's a cat though, and at the end of the day, he curls up next to me as I play my video games or watches TV. He loves me just the same because I give him food and because I love him. I guess people are like that too, except people are FAR more complex. It's easier to please an animal because they only want for so little and they'll love you for it.
People are so much more..... I don't even have a word for it. I do know that when I've posted at places like Dimensions for too long, I get this feeling of how horrible I think people are and I have to stop posting. Why do I go back? am I fucking stupid? Perhaps, but if it is one thing I have learned from Carlin (my cat), it is that I already have all that I need from the people that are most important.
To people who want to have these snap judgments of me without getting to know me, I have to remember that if I were to hear about them dying foolishly or some shit like that, I'd probably be laughing at them because I don't know them and I have a morbid sense of humor. So fuck 'em, they aint worth shit.
If they are right about one thing though, I should stop posting there. Not for their sake though, but for my own. It makes me a person I don't like being. Going back is stupid, yet I do it for the same reason why my cat curls up next to me, companionship. What makes ME an idiot though is I'm seeking companionship from people who don't like me, when I already have MANY people who DO like me.
I need to quit being such a social masochist. I need to make a simple decision and stick with it. I need to cut that fucking piece of fat out of my life forever and quit hurting myself by thinking I'll fit in this time. Stick to what ya know, kid, and you'll go places. Stick with the people that love you because they are the ONLY ones who truly know you.