Friday, November 28, 2008

Merry Fucking Christmas!

Ok, It's after Thanksgiving and with that, i can allow myself some Christmas cheer. Bring on the Nativity Scenes, Menorah's (though not Christmas, it is a recognized symbol of the holiday season) and all that other religious goodness that makes this season so fucking pleasant.

and bring on my favorite pimp, Santa Claus!

It may sound like I'm a holiday cynic. No! Quite the opposite. I'm the biggest fan Christmas has ever seen. I'm a reformed Grinch. I love this time of year! It's that time of year you get to see life how it really is in all of it's splendid glory.

You get to see ALL of life, in it's splendid glory. Remember, Life has a dark side too. Christmas makes that dark side stand out like a turd in a punch bowl. Why do you think the term they use for the Friday after Thanksgiving as "Black Friday"?

I'll tell you why. It isn't because of how busy the stores are. Fuck that. The stores would call it "Golden Friday" if they could. This is the time of year they hold their load for! This is the season for mass marketing, sales, giveaways to the 100th customer before 5 in the fucking morning. This is the time of year to get your shopping on!

However, there is a dark side to this day that is attributed to the human condition. Greed and Want. We've been filled with this notion that the holidays are all about peace and love and good will towards man. Not women, they kick your fuckin' ass on Black Friday (that sounded sexist, but it wasn't meant to be. There are plenty of prick GUYS out there being assholes too). Shopping on this day is like the battle scene from Braveheart, only more violent. Bitches will actually rip shit out of your hands, ram your shopping cart and even punch you. I didn't believe it at first either, but then you see the news:

Worker dies at Long Island Wal-Mart after being trampled in Black Friday stampede


Shots fired at Toys R Us in Palm Desert; 2 dead

Put you hand's over your ears and sing "IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEEEEAAAAAR!"

People wonder why I used to think this holiday is bullshit. I say "used to" because I do try to enjoy them in spite of myself. Not EVERYBODY gets killed when Christmas shopping, just the unlucky ones. Sad thing is, nobody should have to be killed in cold blood while shopping at all. Apparently, nobody got that memo.

There's the suicidal shopping, and then there is always the inevitable family drama that unfolds each year for most people. Now, not everybody has a dramatic family, not everybody's family has drama during the holidays and it may not have happened to you and your family yet, but I can tell you that that check is in the mail. If there is something dark and sinister lurking somewhere in your family, it WILL come out during the holiday season. If there isn't, beware of relatives begging for money for Christmas shopping. If they're too broke to to buy presents, they're too broke to pay you back.

Don't believe me? Watch some People's Court or Judge Judy and I promise you that you will see a case of one family member fucking over another family member just in time for the holidays. So, I've become known as a stingy fuck, but at least I'm still on speaking terms with my friends and my family. If family members need money and you want to give it to them, don't expect it back.

But I'm up beat about Christmas for two reasons. One, My wife loves this holiday and since I love her, by proxy, I love Christmas. But my second reason is one that I've come to formulate over the years and seeing it in the media. Christmas is all about my boy, the Master Pimp, SANTA CLAUS! That mother fucker pimps everything from Soft Drinks to Sex Toys.

He IS a Pimp. We've all heard it before; He wears a Red Velvet Suit and hat lined with White Fur, Patent Leather Boots polished to a high shine, Drives a tricked out sleigh powered by the most FUCKED UP Reindeer you've ever seen! And he's always saying Ho Ho Ho. But that's not why I think of him as a pimp. No. That mother fucker is a salesman! The legend says he flys all over the world and unlawfully enters people homes.... without setting off the security devices or waking up the dogs. And then he leavs shit for all the good little boys and girls.

Fuck that old ass legend. I'm writing a new one.

Santa Claus lives at the North Pole for Tax Reasons. His Elves don't build toys, they're marketing consultants from companies all over the world. Fuck making free toys, there's no money in that. The elves talk to the board of directors for each company and then they report to the Man himself. Santa then takes all of these marketing ideas and runs with them. He signs off on all of this shit that says it's ok to use his image for retail marketing, for a percentage that's considered steep, but if you want Santa Clause to be the spokesman for your shit, you'll pay up. He reaps in the royalties and once he's paid his staff of elves and cut them all holiday bonuses, he goes to Vegas with Mrs. Clause for new years eve, buys the whole town a drink and hooks up some kinky threesome, foursome,moresome orgy action. Hey, the story is to be sold, not to be told! You gonna have to talk to Larry Flynt about that one.

That's MY boy!

I don't get depressed about Christmas. I don't bemoan the capitalistic society we live in and the exploitation of the holiday. I don't hold any contempt for any religion that claims this time of year for some kind of miracle or other. Too me, The gifts of Christmas Day are your reward for SURVIVING The entire month of December. It is all a bunch of bullshit. There is some merit to the idea of peace on earth and it's nice when people keep that in mind. Those are the things that give us faith in our species and that we will somehow, someway, survive into the next eon. Until then though, Santa Clause is there to remind me that hey, it's a lot of work, but it all pays off in the end. Just kick back, soak in all of the cheesy Christmas schmootz and hold out for the new year.

After that, it's all gravy!

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