All my life, I've had issues. With ADHD, Dyslexia, ADD, Clinical Depression characterized with a Dysthymic Disorder. Clearly I'm a mess. I think a lot of it comes from childhood, but all good mental illness develops in and from childhood, doesn't it? So I've been learning to cope with these issues and lay to rest other issues that have plagued me all through my life. I've let go of a lot of anger I once held. It's amazing how long my inner child wanted to hold onto my hate and loathing of certain people. Some of these people I haven't seen in the better part of 20 years!
I let it all go. I'm not going to get an apology. I'm not gonna get a cash settlement for pain and suffering for all the years I carried that animosity around with me. So why carry it? Now remember (and people who know me know this is true) I'm a kind, caring and loyal person. I feel love with great intensity. The price for that is I feel hate just as intensely. I'm quick to anger and I tend to dwell on things done wrong to me that I have no control over.
I'm a work in progress.
I've come a long way though. I have found i can be a patient person, I just have to allow myself to be. I have found an almost unbelievable capacity to forgive. If not to forgive, to at least let the grudge go. Sometimes I can't let things go, and those are the things I have to work on. It's not easy and it sucks, but I do it to better myself as a person.
Then I realize that 9/11 is almost upon us. Talk about the ultimate in being victimized. Talk about one of the worst things that a collective group of people can experience. So many people were murdered and what did we get from it? Fear. Different fear for different people. Some people fear the terrorists. Well, I don't because when you've been randomly attacked as much as I have in my life, both physically and emotionally, Strange people attacking you for no reason isn't such a foreign concept.
For me, I've learned to fear my own government. I fear people who would use something like this as a justification to clandestinely strip it's citizens of some of their most important rights. things like the USA PATRIOT act were passed that made it easier for our government to pry themselves into looking into our personal lives. All in the name of finding terrorists.
Looks good on paper, and I have nothing to hide, but still, Why would I want them poking around in my personal business and life if I'm not guilty of anything? I mean, writing criticism about the president or even the government itself could be construed as an act of terrorism if it isn't carefully worded. They don't tell us the criteria of which their searches are based on and they don't have to.
Is this what they mean when they tell us that freedom isn't free?
I'm not going to even go into the war in Iraq because I'm just preaching to the choir at this point. I feel that many of us have lost more than their dignity to this little faux pas in national intelligence. Some lost what can never be given back and that is what angers me the most.... and that's why I'm not going into it.
Instead, It's important to see what IS happening. what has been taken away and why it's important. It's also important to see who took it away and why. The Terrorists? No, they flew airplanes into buildings and killed thousands of people. It was our own government that took our rights away because of it. So who won? Who got their way?
THEN, Oh my god, if having these feelings weren't enough, The Republican Party aired THIS at their national convention. I felt ill after watching that. Like there are people so desperate to hold onto power that they will instill fear to manipulate people into voting for them. Who are the terrorists now?
So, When I say that I'm letting a lot of things go, one of those things has to be 9/11. I can't hold onto that anymore..... it hurts too much. We may never capture Bin Laden, the man who claimed responsibility for 9/11. I'm not forgiving the man, but he isn't worth my freedom and my dignity. He isn't worth any of the emotions I have left. He is worthy of nothing, not even wrath. I feel this way because I have no more hate left to give. I burned it all up on this war in Iraq, it's pointlessness, the price we had to pay because of it, who benefited the most from it.
I'm letting 9/11 go in lieu of much bigger problems here at home. Issues that concern us everyday. Terrorists may attack. Today, tomorrow, Next year. They may kill thousands of people. They may be people I love and care about. May even be me. You know what though, if it happens, it happens. I cannot concern myself with something that may or may not happen.
I know the cost of living keeps rising along with the price of fuel. I know people who need medical help are not getting it because the cost of it is out of control. Our own people are dying of neglect. The republican party can tear open old national wounds like I used to pick at my own arms and make them bleed and run with infection, but it doesn't change the problem. We are so mired down in political depression and economic self-doubt.
If I am to believe in myself, I MUST believe in my country......
We have so much in common.